Our First Christmas

It's hard for me to come back on here because of all the memories I have of sitting here pouring my heart out as I watched my sister die. I want to stay away from the painful memories as much as I can and close myself off to that pain. However, I know that God is and will continue to use that painful time in our families life to reflect His glory and to be used to touch other people. So, I must remember because to forget would be the worst crime and I would be wasting my sisters amazing life and death!

How are we doing?? that has been a question asked by so many and thought by even more. I appreciate how we have been allowed to grieve in our time and how many of you have prayed for us.

Life is finally falling into some sort of new "Normal" it's hard and a day does not go by that I don't cry for my sister but I cry for myself and would never ask God to bring her back. Nor would I ask that He change the out come. Rachel is far better in heaven away from the sinful world. She is living out eternity! That is where life actually begins. Here on Earth is so temporary compared to the amazing life she now has in eternity with God! How cool is that! It makes me think about how attached I am to things on this Earth, they are so meaningless when you pull like into focus with Heaven being your destination and eternal home.

Mom is doing well. At first we thought she was the one to take care of the boys but through many circumstances, God has brought in an amazing Nanny to watch other the boys and free Mom up to get back into teaching the Bible. So, Mom is taking her time to get back into teach but I think that is where God wants her. Mom has been learning about how man makes his plans but the LORD directs his steps (Proverbs 16:9) we thought Mom would be taking care of the boys but the Lord had other plans and led us all to come together to find a nanny for the boys.

I have been busy with the three kids... they are amazing and have filled my time so much that I only have moments to grieve. Life is busy! I work as the book keeper at the shop and helping in anyway that I can with the boys, Rob, Mom and Dad. I think about my sister and look forward to when I can see her again. My focus is not so attached to here on Earth anymore! Heaven is more real to me and not something that I fear as much now.

The boys are adjusting. They are doing well with school. I am impressed with how they are able to easily speak of Rachel and that they miss her. Ethan talked about how he wishes that he had not said "no" to her so often when she would ask him to go couponing:-) Dane is more reserved about what he says but I have gotten him to talk a bit about his mommy.

Rob is Rob...I can't read him very well but in all his actions he is doing very well and holding up very well. He works hard and then comes in to be with the boys. Rachel always handled everything with the boys so Rob is now learning a lot about being a single dad. He is stepping up though and doing very well.

Christmas is a couple days away. Please pray for our family as we experience another "first" with out Rachel.

Rachel's Obituary and Funeral Information

In Loving Memory of our Beloved Rachel Lynn Edgar (Nee Arnold), who at the age of 35 has run ahead of us all in the race to join our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on September 14^th, 2011.

  Rachel was born on July 16, 1976 to her parents Ed and Barbara Arnold. She was later joined by siblings Wayne, Betty (Biad), and Jim. Rachel attended Baptist Bible College in Clark Summit, PA. Rachel married her husband Rob Edgar in 1998 and later went on to have 2 boys, Dane and Ethan. She is also survived by her Maternal Grandmother Mary Burt.

Rachel loved being a home school Mom to her boys as well as performing the accounting for the family business, (Ed’s Rental in Erial, NJ), in which her husband and father partner in.

Rachel's passion in life was to love and serve the Lord by helping others. She was constantly volunteering, whether it be through couponing to help single Moms in need, going to downtown Philly to feed the homeless, or helping to teach in her women's Heart to Heart Bible Study at Fellowship Alliance Chapel.

Rachel also loved to run and even ran in two 13 1/2 mile half marathons last year after having had six chemo and 39 radiation treatments. Rachel enjoyed working out and eating healthy foods, which helped her stay strong even after going through those intense treatments.

The family, Rob, Dane, Ethan, Ed, Barbara, Wayne, Betty, and Jim would like to extend a sincere thank you for all the meals, cleaning, prayers, and support provided for us to allow us to spend more time in caring for Rachel while she was sick.

Relatives and friends are invited to her viewing on Saturday from 5:00 – 9:00 PM at the BRADLEY & STOW FUNERAL HOME, 127 Medford-Mt. Holly Rd., Medford, NJ. A Celebration of her life will be held on Sunday at 6:00 PM at the Fellowship Alliance Chapel, 199 Church Road, Medford, NJ. Interment will be private in the Gate of Heaven Cemetery in Berlin, NJ.


Rachel has requested donations be made to one of the ministries she volunteered for regularly: Feeding 5000. Please see www.Feeding5000.us for details. Please put Rachel Edgar in the memo section of the check.

Friends may visit Rachel’s blog of her journey at Rachelsharvestofhope.blogspot.com and view her Video Tribute at  http://memorial.yourtribute.com/Rachel-L-Edgar/

Fly To Jesus Rachel

Yesterday I had the most amazing experience of watching my sister Rachel Fly to Jesus at 5:33PM. The family was gathered around - Mom, Dad, Rob, Jim, Wayne was on Skype, Julie, Aunt Betty and Aunt Paula were all there letting Rachel know that she was loved but we were all happy that she would soon be with Jesus and be pain free. I got to see my sister transition from her painful dying life her on earth and then a moment later she was with Jesus! My heart still sings for joy that I was there to see that!! I was able to hold her hand as she took her last breaths and then kissed her goodbye knowing that Jesus had already given her a new body, food to fill her new body and a beautiful house that she would live.

This morning  I woke up with so much relief because I did not wake up fearing how Rachel's night went, would she have been in much pain?, would she has thrown up? Instead I knew that she was safe and healed!! Throughout the day I had moments of sadness as I prepared for the funeral and got out her dress that she had worn just a couple months ago at her renewal with Rob. Looking for shoes to go with  the dress and a shawl to cover her skinny arms. But then I had to remind myself that she was in Heaven and there was no better place.

A couple of things that stick out to me about yesterday was that when Rachel had passed on to Heaven, a little while later Mom was in the other room crying and Dane came to her and said "MomMom, why are you cry??!!! You should be happy that Mommy is not in pain anymore" How amazing that an 11 year old can grasp that truth. But my heart still breaks for Dane and Ethan...so young to be without their Mommy!! Ethan cried a lot that night because he loved his Mommy so much. My heart cries for them.

Rob was there with Rachel as she passed and instead of anger about loosing his wife, he knew that she was healed and felt peaceful about everything. His love for Rachel was so special! Rob was an amazing husband to my sister and fit her perfectly! He is our family!! That will never change! Mom and Dad think of him as their own son. He is not my brother-in-law but my brother!

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

They don't serve breakfast in Hell

We continue this journey with Rachel. The end is so close but God still has not taken Rachel. Today was filled with challenges and events that I had hoped would never come about but here they are. Rachel is no longer able to get out of bed so she now has a catheter. It broke my heart knowing that she was going to get one because I knew she would never have agreed to it if she was able to put up a fight.

Last night was also a hard night for "aunt" Kathy who lovingly stayed with Rachel and helped Mom and Dad through the night. Rachel was in a lot of pain and was throwing up her pain medication. Aunt Kathy had to help Rachel a lot. At one point Rachel let Aunt Kathy know that she wanted to go Home...Heaven... it broke all our hearts to know that Rachel was in so much pain!!

When Rachel first found out the news that the cancer had spread everywhere and that she needed to get things in order, she went funeral shopping. It was hard for me to have any type of conversation with Rachel about her funeral but she was instant and wanted everything done her way!! Tonight with my dear friend I listened to some of the songs Rachel has picked out for her viewing...keep your ears tuned for them if you come to the viewing.

 

A rather interesting song for a funeral but Rachel wants her viewing to be pointing continually to the Lord and to be joyful! What fun it was to listen to this song.

Another conversation today with another friend was about our expectation for this life. We expect Rachel to live until a nice age of 90. We expect life to be carefree... these expectations are straight from the Devil!! God does not promise this! Instead He tells us that life is going to be hard especially for Christians. The Devil wants to take the trust and distort it so we questions and grow angry with the Lord when life does not turn out in a way that we expect. What do I need to expect???!!! for my sisters life and my life?? Just what the Bible tells me! and so I will turn back to His Word and fill my mind with His promises of never leaving me, He has given me eternal life, and so many other promises. What are some of your favorite promises that God has given!??

From Reva

Barbara, Sent this to Serving Ladies last night. We are in prayer for a gentle, grace filled transition. Love you, Reva

Dear Serving Sisters,
We went to clean today and Barbara told us that hospice said this would probably be Rachel's last weekend. Barbara was very calm and the prayers of the righteous availed much, she seems to be at peace. She smiled and teased about not knowing what was going on last weekend (I had forgot to put Labor Day weekend on our cleaning calendar. I missed the date complety  I had apologized profusely to her earlier this wk).  Hearing her joke about it made me feel so much better. I had been feeling very down about my mistake.

Barbara asked us to wipe down her kitchen chairs and cabinets as she is expecting a lot of guests over the next days. Carole and Tara started on that right away, Myra started cleaning Barbara's bathroom, and I started on Rachel's bathrm. 

Rachel was upright in bed with husband Rob seated in a chair, son Dane lying on the floor, and a woman relative was taking her turn sitting right next to Rachel, gently watching over her.  As I was cleaning, Barbara came in and said, "Here goes, I'm going to give Rachel liquid morphine for the first time. If I can give her injections in her stomach, I can do anything."  As I cleaned the bathroom, I heard Barbara gently waking Rachel, telling her to open her mouth and just let the medicine sit there and dissolve further. This was an intimate family moment, and even though I was in the next room, I felt a bit uncomfortable,  didn't want to intrude.

As I was mopping the floor, I heard Barbara call my name. I got up and she had come into the bathroom. "Rachel knows you're here, and she wants you to pray for her", she said.

Now I must admit my mind went blank and I was in a mild panic. What do you say, what do you pray for, when someone has only hours left and they know it?

I took off my gloves and came to Rachel's bed. I made to sit in the chair across from the bed, but Barbara shook her head no, and pointed to the bed next to Rachel. So I sat down right beside her. I felt clumsy and huge, she was so small and tiny. Bones protruding, shoulders, neck, back, arms. So tiny, so fragile. I closed my eyes and felt Barbara put Rachel's hand in my hand. Lord, what do I say?

Dear Lord, thank You for the honor of knowing this young woman. Thank you that we your women, have been privileged to serve her. We are the better for it. It won't be long now until she hears You say,"Well done good and faithful servant." This is the woman who was quick to remind us of her faults but kept on ministering to the needs of others even when her health failed. We, Your honor guard, gently hand her over to Your angels for quick transport to You. Amen". 

I started to get up and Barbara said, "Rachel likes to be hugged."  So very, very gently, I took her in my arms and whispered in her ear, "Its been my high honor to serve you. Thank you for teaching me what really matters. Say hello to my Grandma when you see her." Barbara gave me a big smile and thanked me.

I told Barbara and Ed that we in the WR ministry had promised Rachel we would continue meal and cleaning service for a while after her departure to help her Mom and we intended to keep that promise. We would serve right up to the Women's Retreat. Both were stunned and ever so grateful.  I told them both it would be our privilege. Ed is going to have a very rough time with this. When I asked how he was, he said  "As good as a father can be at a time like this.'

So servants of the One True God, pray for the Arnold Family this weekend as Rachel makes her transition. Pray for each other as we carry out the schedule as well as do extra as the Lord has place on those of you who do extra as the Lord has placed on your hearts. You are a special, gifted group of women and the Lord has blessed me through you. Thank you for your serving spirits. Have a blessed weekend.  Reva

Death Watch

How did we get here?? Where is my strong sister that could take on the world and still clean every inch of her house in a matter of hours. How is it that I am sitting at her bedside waiting for her to take her last breath? But here we are...the family is gathered around and we all are watching Rachel...dreading the moment... counting the seconds inbetween breaths. Our hearts are breaking! We still can't believe that this time has come. We want to cling onto Rachel and not let her go! I keep thinking that she will be healed because that is what was suppose to happen! She is not suppose to be laying here sleeping...like she has been doing for the last 24 hours. I want her to wake up and ask for something to eat and to keep it down. I want her to tell me that everything is going to be OK...but that will not happen and my heart continues to break.

Will it be tonight?? will she go to heaven tomorrow?? Should I leave tonight to go home and sleep in my bed or stay here with Rachel while I still have her?? How can this be happening??  It has been over 24 hours since she has been awake to eat anything. Last night she threw up all the food that she had eaten that day and all her medication. Hospice was here today. We have a wonderful nurse named Trish who has been with us from the beginning of hospice care. Trish let us know that it was unsafe for us to offer anymore food to Rachel because she could aspirate on the food. But even without letting us know that, we would not have been able to get Rachel to eat anything. All Rachel has done today is sleep. I am so glad she is not really in pain. So glad this has been an easy release for her. God is good even when we can't understand why He is doing this.

My brother Wayne came home yesterday as a surprise to Rachel and the rest of us! I am so glad he  can be here with us but sad that it has to be on these terms. Mom, Dad, Jim, Aunt Betty and I are here around Rachel's bedside because we can't leave. Rob comes in and out and so does Wayne. What is life going to be like after this?

Continue to pray for our family but more importantly pray for those who are reading this who don't know the Lord.

Think about these things

Another turn in Rachel's health has happened and now she sleeps more then anything. She is taking less medication because she is not able to stay awake long enough to take the medication or it causes her to throw up.  Last night she threw up a number of times during the night and today she was very weak. She has lost so much weight.

Sometimes we get a smile, sometimes she sits up and is able to open her eyes, sometimes she is able to eat some fruit. But most of the time, she sleeps. We are thankful that Rachel is not in pain. We are thankful that we have Rachel today! We are thankful for amazing friends and family that gather around us as we go through this time. We are thankful knowing so many people are praying for us. We are thankful for the food brought for our families. We are thankful for salvation and the knowledge that Rachel will soon be in heaven.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Pictures

Well, the roller coaster continues!! Rachel has taken another turn for the worse but her body is still strong and she holds onto life. Rachel sleeps most of the time and it is hard to get her to take her medication at times. She is able to eat a little bit at a time but through out the day it does not total up to be a lot of food... so she continues to loose weight that she can not afford to loose. Bones stick out everywhere and it is hard to see her this way. Please pray for all of us... this is beyond painful. Every minute I get with my sister alert is priceless!!

Rachel - April 16th 2011

July 4th 2011

August 4th 2011

 August 23rd 2011

August 29th 2011 

These pictures are so hard to see for me and I am sure most of you. I don't even know if I should post them?? My sister is/was one of the strongest people you could ever meet!! Her beauty was inside and out!!! Now her beauty from inside and her love for the Lord shines through. She can't talk much but she is always willing to give a smile and when she can to tell you that she loves you. I think at this point in her life it is no longer about how God is changing her or working in her life because she is not alert enough but it is about how God is working in our lives as we see this chapter of my sister's life come to a close. So again, I pray that as you look at these pictures, as you cry of the change in my sisters appearance... that you will seek God!! Because without it, this is all meaningless!! But with God, we can go to Him and ask for comfort and cling to His strength and understanding of what is going on. He knows my sisters pain... He has not forgotten her!!! He loves her so much and soon He will welcome her home!

Do we still pray for her healing here on earth?? I pray for that everyday! I believe that if it is in God's will/ plan for my sister that He can heal her! I know He can! I believe He can!! I trust that He can BUT I also know that His will might be to take her home! So I pray that I will be changed through all of this. That I will be more like Christ because that is truly what He wants through all of this...for our hearts to be broken so that we can turn to Him and He will heal our broken hearts.



From Mom - The Days of Our Lives

The Days of Our Lives

I thought I would let you peek through our livingroom window to look at a day in our lives.

I awake at 5:30 AM so that I can relieve the person who has slept in Rachel’s room all night.  They make sure that she does not trip on her way to the bathroom, that she does not wonder downstairs, and that she takes her meds throughout the night.  I have been relieved of night-time duty since I take care of her, the boys, and the household chores from 6 AM until 11 PM.

I give her the meds and lie down beside her for another hour, listening to a sermon on my ipod and gazing at her.  Meds, getting Ra dressed, getting myself dressed takes more time than you would expect, but we finally get downstairs (usually after neatening her room and doing some wash).

There a a lot of hugs, kisses and smiles as I make her a breakfast that we both know will cause her to throw up.  She sleeps sitting up and I keep going over to her to look to her comfort or walk her into the living room.  But first she enjoys working on her 1000 piece puzzle between naps at the kitchen table.  Everytime she awakes from these frequent naps, she smiles at me as though for the first time that day.  I often wait to clean up the kitchen so that I can do the puzzle with her. 

Between naps and the puzzle, the morning passes for her as I make breakfast for the boys, stop fights between them, clean the kitchen, fold laundry, and gaze at Rachel.  I like to sit beside her on the couch, holding her hand as she sleeps.  I do a lot of gazing.  Time passes too quickly.  I want to hold on to each second with her.

Because of the women in my church, I merely have to keep the house neat, as they do the heavy cleaning each weekend.  I am grateful, so grateful for them.  Nor do I have to worry about dinner meals, as her church and my church bring meals often through the week. 

Often in the afternoon, one of Rachel’s close friends comes over and they keep her company.  I may sit and enjoy the company or I may get some things done.  Betty Ann comes every day.  If it was not for her, I would not be able to hold up as I do.  She is so strong.

It is nice when someone takes a boy or two for the day, but if this does not happen, I let them do what I would rather not let them do—TV!  I have to keep my mind and efforts on Rachel.  I sit with her often, I gaze at her more.  I hold her in my arms and feel the bones through her flesh.  She is as thin as a wisp. 

At night, she and I, along with Aunt Betty and Jullie, sit and watch HGTV or Auction Hunters.  We talk while Ra naps.  We each want to sit next to her and feel her close to us.  We gaze at her. 

When I leave, at 11 PM, someone stays through the night with her, gazing at her. 

Soon she will be home with Jesus.

We have Rachel today; we will not ruin today by worrying about tomorrow.

Barbara

From a Family Friend

This is a letter from "Uncle" Jim about his wife Anna who found out about 2 months ago that she had stage 4 cancer.


This is Jim, writing from my sister Kathy's Facebook page. I am overwhelmed with gratitude as I sit here and read the notes from all the people who are praying for my dear wife. I have never experienced this kind of pain before, though 50 years ago this past April, as an 11 year old boy, I watched my father die with this same disease. That was hard...this is devastating. I have tried not to question God in all of this; I recognize His sovereignty and accept His will for Anna's life. But I must admit that I don't even come close to understanding. I thought perhaps He was waiting for me to lift the ban on visitors so that my immediate family and Anna's siblings could come and see her. I did that yesterday, much to the chagrin of my precious wife. I could tell she was agitated by all the commotion and sensed a bit of displeasure with me for having violated her wishes. All four of her sisters got to see her and say goodbye. My son and daughter and their children got to say goodbye. My three sisters have seen her and two are with me even now, lest I be alone when the time comes for Him to welcome her home. This morning, reading from the Daily "Crouton", as Pastor Marks so affectionately called The Daily Bread, I read about a Matter of Perspective. The last paragraph says, "When we simply cannot understand why God allows circumstances that threaten to overwhelm us, it is good to remember that He has our good and His glory in mind. If we can say, "Father, please enable me to trust and honor You in this situation," then we will be in concert with His perspective and plan." Anna's concern in all of this, from the beginning until the point where she could no longer communicate clearly, was "How am I glorifying God in all of this?" I can tell you that all of the perceptions you folks have of my Anna are accurate. She is the epitome of the Proverbs 31 woman. A prayer warrior, a giving, caring woman who dedicated her life to helping people through times like she is presently going. When God commanded us to "Be holy, for I am holy.", to the best of her ability she heeded His command. I know no one who is as concerned about being holy as much as she is. Even now, in her distress, she wonders how she can glorify the Father in heaven. I have no idea what He has in mind for me. Anna has been part of my life since July of 1964, weeks before my 15th birthday. When she finally graduates to heaven I will be relieved for the end to her suffering, but my nightmare without her will continue on from the nightmare that I'm enduring right now, watching her suffer. And still, I trust Him...He who sent His only Son to die for me. For those of you reading this who have not trusted your life to Christ, I beg you to do that right now. I couldn't care less what church affiliation you have. Religion is man reaching up to God...Christianity is God reaching down to man. I teach my AWANA children how simple it is to be saved...as simple as A,B,C. First, you have to admit you're a sinner. If you're not a sinner, you don't need a Savior. But God's word tells us that you are a sinner. (Romans 3:23) Then, you must believe that Jesus is who He said he was...the Son of God. But that's not the end. Many think the C is confess. But that's taken care of when you believe. The C is Choose. My Sparkies love this story. Let's pretend I have the ability to shut you in a room that is totally devoid of light. On the other side of the room is a door that you can get out. But there are numerous traps that will take your life if you try to get out in the dark. Before I leave you, I place a flashlight in front of you. You choose to get out of the room on your own, rejecting the gift that I gave you. You die. Don't blame me! I gave you everything you needed to get out, but you rejected it. God gave you everything you need to enter Heaven. Accept His free gift of eternal life right now. To not accept Christ is to reject Him. The best way to honor Anna in all that she's going through is to ask Christ to save you. I love all of you. Please continue to pray for God's mercy in Anna's struggle right now. God bless you all.



Please pray for their family!! "Aunt" Anna will be with the Lord soon.

What Now??

So Rachel was talking yesterday about the fact that she has terminal cancer and was not expecting to be here on Earth this long. To be honest, we kinda thought she would be long gone by now but God has other plans for her. So now, Rachel needs something to do! She is more awake, aware and in much less pain then she was a month ago. Granted, she can't keep any food in her for very long but something it getting into her body and she is able to survive on that amount. So, any ideas on what can keep her active in serving the Lord?? Here are the things she can't really do ...read for very long, write, type, see, stay awake for long BUT she still wants to have something to do and some way to serve the Lord.

Another thing that Rachel was talking about is that because she is not able to really see/ read very well or write she can't do her bible study like she use to. This was such a special time for Rachel each day and really grounded her to face the rest of the day. I think Satan has been taking advantage of this missing part in her life to start filling her mind with depressing thoughts. So, we also need to come up with creative ways for Rachel to do her Bible study each day.

One thing Rachel does enjoy doing with friends and family is to sit around the kitchen table and work on puzzles. Rachel has completed a number of 1000 piece puzzles with every ones help and she enjoys passing her time with us that way. yesterday then finished one of the puzzles and Mom suggested, spur of the moment, that they run out to Barnes and Noble to get another puzzle. Rachel and Mom drove to Barnes and Noble, luckily Rachel was pro-active and brought a throw up bag in which she used in the parking lot of Barnes and Noble:-( went in and got their puzzles and then went home. It was a braze move for Rachel to go out and something that she does not do often but I think it helped cheer her up:-)

So, for now we are in the waiting zone of life for Rachel. I think right now Rachel needs a purpose for the rest of her time here. Any ideas??

A prayer from Reva for Rachel

Dear Lord,

We marvel at human grit, determination and steadfastness infused by You into Rachel, who is hanging on, still here with us. We are in awe as her family rally in shifts to be with her 24/7 (the 24/7 crew), administering meds, gently watching over her, standing guard to make sure all her needs are met. What love is this! We see Your Outstretched Right Arm as You Strengthen Rachel for yet another day, and strengthen her 24/7 crew for yet another shift. And in the dawn of each glorious new day, we rejoice anew that Rachel will experience it and for this we say “Thank You”.

We know You have assigned Your Angels special guard duty over the Arnold Home. They do not sit, but stand at attention, in the driveway, on the front porch, in the foyer, in the living rooms, kitchen, each bedroom and bath, laundry rooms, sitting areas, on the back deck, on each side of the house, they stand with eyes travelling back and forth over their assigned domain, breathing new energy into hands too tired to do anymore, new wakefulness into eyes heavy with long overdue sleep, and new hope into distressed minds.

This is what a family taken to the edge looks like and this is the help You provide in their hour of need. They are exhausted but Grace filled, sorrowing but Mercy renewed. The guardian angels look in the same direction at the same time. What are they gazing at? As they kneel as one in humble submission, we know. We humans may say “Look! I thought I knew how many were in the Arnold/Edgar home, but I see a Man walking in the fire with them, and He looks like the Son of God.” (paraphrased Dan 3:25).

And in all of this You have allowed us to be a witness and a participant in Your inclusive classroom of prayer and service. You are an awesome God!

We Thank You and We Praise You. The minor tremors from an earthquake we just experienced remind us of Your Mighty Power and Outstretched Arm. Thank You for keeping us safe. Thank You for blessing each of us and our families.

May we focus today on what really matters and rely on You for everything including the ground we walk upon and the air we breathe. We bless Rachel and the Edgar and Arnold Families anew. May they never forget we are praying, we rowers, soldiers and watchers for their sustenance and strength in You. We do this because we know the secret:

That the prayers of the righteous availeth much.

Amen and Amen!

Seeking the Lord.

Many have been asking for an update and so I will give you one...sad as it may be.

Rachel continues to decline and our hearts continue to break. We never pictured ourselves to be at this point or at the last point we were at or the point before. We pictured Rachel to be healed... we believed that she would be healed! we rallied ourselves each time the news was bad that it was just a set back and things would get better. That has not been the case but I would not give up those times because it gave us focus and a togetherness that we needed.

Rachel has lost so much weight. She struggles with days of throwing everything up including any water that she drinks and the medication that she takes. But other days she is able to eat small amounts of food and keep it down. We live moment by moment knowing that at anytime the Lord could take her home with Him. We actually question why He has not taken her home yet. This is beyond painful to see my sister starve to death!!! Bones stick out everywhere. I shiver when I touch her because all I feel is cold skin and bones... no fat on her... her eye sockets are sunken in and her check bones stick out. It is painful to watch her sleep because she takes two shallow breaths and then pauses breathing for a solid 30 seconds before taking another two shallow breaths.

Other troubles have come our way too... actually they have been here but because of Rachel's sickness things have gotten worse with Dane. He spends most of his days watching his mother die. He fears her death because he feels life she is the only one who loves him unconditionally. It is not true because we all love him but he is a strong willed child!!!! Very strong willed!!! Over the top strong willed!!! and he is going through something that us adults are having a hard time dealing with. He is lashing out in anger and when he walks in the room... he is demanding every ones attention because of his behavior. This has caused all of us frustration and has caused Rachel much stress. 

We need prayer in this area of Dane! Prayer that we will learn to unconditionally love this unlovable child right now!! To see through his anger and to know how to deal correctly with him. That God will teach us patience with him! That God will show us our own sin and our expectations that are not far to put on this 11 year old boy. We expect Dane to behave correctly because his mother is dying. Our anger is sometimes enraged because he is not acting the way we expect him to act. Pause!!! We expect him to act like an adult but he is not. We are still to hold him to a standard that is acceptable and set up boundaries that are healthy for the whole family... that is for sure!!! but!! we need to check our anger because that is our sin in the situation! We have no right to get angry at him! We are to have him follow through with the boundaries that are set up and to hold him to them in LOVE!! God's love!! Right now that is hard because he is being so unlovable!

Lord, please teach Mom, Dad, Rob, Rachel and myself to love Dane through your power and to hold him to the boundaries that are set up because he needs them.

The boys have been enrolled in Erial Community Christian School right down the street. This is a huge relief for us to now that they will be going to school and that Mom does not have to home school them. I think they will do well. Rachel was able to go to the school and talk with them about the situation with the boys and her condition. I think the teachers will all be understanding and take both the boys in and love them!

Mom is frazzled and needs constant prayer. She is in charge of giving Rachel her medication which is almost an hourly thing. Mom is also working with the boys and keeping the house flowing. She has so much on her shoulders right now. I wish so much that I could take on some of the burdens but I am dealing with the shop finances and learning their personal finances and taking care of my three little children. I am frazzled!!

Dad is also doing so much for Rachel! He stays with Rachel most nights to give her the medications and to help her when she gets up, is disoriented, or throwing up. He is amazing! There could not be a more selfless father!!

I question why we are going through this but I know that God has a purpose! Many of you have told us how just reading the blog is challenging your walk with the Lord and drawling you closer to Him. I pray for you as you read this. Feel our pain!!! Let it lead you to go before the Lord and ask Him why we are suffering like this but most importantly talk with the Lord over your relationship with Him.  Gain an understand of Him so that if life were ever to throw you for this type of twist you would be able to go back to the Lord and find strength in Him to face your day.





 

Unconditional

This is from Rachel. She no longer can see very well and can not type because she is too tired. Reading has been hard for her. - Betty



I don't know where to start, so much has happened since the last time I updated. Though sometimes on facebook it makes it seem like I am doing well, there are days of excruciating pain and I am afraid of laying it out there for everyone to see because somehow it makes me feel like a failure. But then there are other days, that if you had to ask me if I thought I were dying I would laugh at you and say "no, I am in perfect health". The feeling that is most overwhelming me right now is fear itself. Not fear of dying but the fear of pain and that this time will never end. I have some of the best dr.s in the area and they have no answers to give me about how long this process will be. They give me anywhere from tomorrow to 6 months which is a daunting prospect when you think about it.

 These are the times that I cling so dearly to the word of God especially the Psalms. Last night over a puzzles, my Aunt Betty and I  prayed Psalms 73 Psalms 91 and Psalms 121 which was followed by one of the most restful sleeps that I have had in months. You'd think that since there really is no one but God and I that I would turn to Him at all times but that is not the truth! I still struggle with putting God first, though I have seen his miracles in my life every single day. What keeps me coming back is the unconditional love and acceptance that I feel when I am close to Him. no pretending that everything is OK.

Right now my one first and only thought is what heaven will be like. First to see His face and to know why all this had to happen. second to see the splendor that He promised us in the Bible when He told us that He was going to go and prepare a place for us. If He could go and create the world in 7 days and He has spent the last 2 thousand years preparing heaven for us...think about how awesome it is going to be.

From Julie - All for the Glory of God

All for the Glory of God

Sometimes we may question why we go through hard times. I know I certainly have questioned on more than a few occasions why Rachel is going through this - why does she have to be sick? Why does she have to suffer? I have been listening to a great preacher Allistair Begg recently and reading a few of his Bible Studies. I first fell in love with his accent back in college and he still has the power to make me swoon...but the most important part is what he has to say of course and this week I read something he wrote that permeated deep into my heart. Here is what he said about the Glory of God (Taken from Psalm 107):

God's great design in all His works is the manifestation of His own glory. Any aim less than this would be unworthy of Himself.

But how shall the glory of God be manifested to such fallen creatures as we are? Man's eye is not single in its focus; he always has a side glance toward his own honor, has too high an estimate of his own powers, and so is not qualified to behold the glory of the Lord. It is clear, then, that self must stand out of the way, that there may be room for God to be exalted. And this is the reason why He often brings His people into straits and difficulties, that, being made conscious of their own folly and weakness, they may be fitted to behold the majesty of God when He comes to work their deliverance. He whose life is one even and smooth path will see but little of the glory of the Lord, for he has few occasions of self-emptying and hence but little fitness for being filled with the revelation of God. They who navigate little streams and shallow creeks know but little of the God of tempests; but they who are "doing business on the great waters"1 see "his wondrous works in the deep."2 Among the huge waves of bereavement, poverty, temptation, and reproach, we learn the power of Jehovah, because we feel the littleness of man.

Thank God, then, if you have been led by a rough road: It is this that has given you your experience of God's greatness and loving-kindness. Your troubles have enriched you with a wealth of knowledge to be gained by no other means: Your trials have been the crevice of the rock in which Jehovah has set you, as He did His servant Moses, that you might behold His glory as it passed by. Praise God that you have not been left to the darkness and ignorance that continued prosperity might have involved, but that in the great fight of affliction you have been qualified for the outshinings of His glory in His wonderful dealings with you.

My favorite part of that little devotional is when he says, "He whose life if one even and smooth path will see but little of the glory of the Lord, for he has few occasions of self-emptying and hence but little fitness for being filled with the revelation of God". Well that surely means that Rachel has had many many opportunities to see God's glory and how glorious He is! And we have only a glimpse of His glory here on this earth - think of how amazing it will be when we see Him face to face in Heaven? it is too much for my small earthly mind to even comprehend! Praise the Lord He has so much better in store for those who Trust Him and give their lives to Him, I personally can't wait until I get to see what He has - I do hope the rapture comes soon!

Now for an update - Rachel had a really good week for the most part, she was feeling pretty good and very lucid. She was able to have visits with some close family and friends and really enjoy the time! We are all so grateful and hopeful to see this improvement in Rachel, considering how hard last week was for her. However, after such a good week, on Friday Rachel went to the hospital because she was having a lot of stomach pain and wasn't able to keep anything down. They took x-rays and it turns out Rachel had a very irritated bowel. Because of this, they told her to stick only to water and tea for 24-48 hours to let the irritation calm down. Now normally, this would not be a big issue for most of us (in fact most of us could probably benefit from 48 hours without eating), but with how think Rachel already is, it is not good for her to go that long without food. Please pray that the irritation calms down completely and Rachel is able to eat normally and keep all of her food down. Also pray for continued nights of good sleep for her and wisdom for the hospice nurses that come to see her regularly. We continue to trust the Lord and pray for Rachel's complete healing!

Cancer is a Roller Coaster

The last couple of days have been so up and down for us emotionally because Rachel has been so up and down physically. She went from being very exhausted and out of it (forgetting what day it was and having a lot of hallucinations) most of last week, to having an amazing night with me on Saturday night (completely lucid every time she woke up), to having a horrible night full of pain last night. It is so hard for us as her family to watch her go through these extremes. One minute you are grieving because you feel that it is close to the end, then the next rejoicing because she is doing well and seems to be back to her old self again. I have tried to learn to take it in stride and as Rachel says, "I will have good days and bad days". I know the Lord will take her when He is ready and not a moment sooner. I pray constantly that time will be when we are old and grey, but I also know that He knows better than I and will care for her better than I could ever even imagine. Rachel has a verse posted on her wall that says, "For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the Righteous Judge shall give me at that day and not to me only, but unto them also that love his appearing." 2 Timothy 4:6-8. I just love that verse because it is so true in Rachel's life! If our Lord choses to bring her home tonight she can face Him knowing she fought the good fight!

Rachel is now on many different medications - for pain, for nausea, constipation, etc. It is quite a regimen each day and night and requires a schedule and alarms to be set to ensure we give her the correct medication at the correct time. This means that now Rachel basically needs someone with her around the clock to ensure she is taking the correct dosages of medication. This involves sacrifice and has me thinking a lot about sacrifice in the last few days. Sacrifice is how we show love for one another is through sacrifice. Of course the ultimate sacrifice was God giving his only son for Rachel (and for all of us) in order to be the propitiation for her sins and restore her relationship to our perfect God, because her sin separated her from Him. I believe because God has given us such a great example of sacrifice, we as her friends and family want to show our love for Rachel by our sacrifice for her during her time in need. Her family has sacrifice time in order to be with her, sleep in order to take care of her, and comfort in order to try and bring her comfort. And if you asked any of us, we would do it for another 20 years because of how we love Rachel. This is not because of any of our own doing, we are all selfish to the core, but by the grace of God, His love is poured out through us. Then you have Rachel's amazing friends who have sacrificed nights of sleep to pray, sacrificed time to take care of the boys, time to come sit and pray with Rachel, sacrificed time to cook meals for the family, and oh so much more that I can't even remember. There are also people who don't even know Rachel very well that are sacrificing their time to pray for Rachel or make a meal.

All of this has shown me the importance of family (and I consider friends family in many cases) and how blessed we are to have a huge, amazing family. I feel bad for people who don't have a big family or who aren't close with their family, because knowing your family will be there with you through anything is the most amazing thing! It makes me want to have a huge family of my own to continue the legacy! Rachel and I were just talking about how God has worked everything out perfectly for her during this time. He literally worked in hundreds of people to initiate them being here to support Rachel this time. Think of all the coordination - it's an amazing thing to ponder! Even in Rachel's family, He has worked the circumstances out in an incredible way - for starters, about 6 years ago, Rachel and and Rob built a house with her Mom and Dad. None of them knew at the time, how much Rachel would need them today. Also, though not what I would've planned, God gave me the chance to live here with Rachel about a year ago. What a blessing it has been to get to spend every day with my best friend and to get to help take care of her as she is sick. Rachel's siblings are also close by and are able to come and help a lot. The Lord also led Rachel to our church, FAC, a few years ago and Rachel made amazing and lasting friendships there. These friends have proved to be the most amazing friends that Rachel could ever ask for. I could go on and on, but do you see how God has worked everything together for good? It puts a smile on my face as I think about how He loves Rachel so much that He interwove every single detail of her life to make it perfect at this time.

Now for a couple of specific prayers - pray that Rachel will be able to stay pain free and that the hospice nurses will have the wisdom to know exactly what medication to give her to keep the pain away. Also pray that she might be able to eat some more solids and to keep them down. As mentioned above, because of Rachel's medication she needs someone to stay with her each night to administer the meds. We have worked out a rotating schedule, but with full time jobs, families to take care of, and other responsibilities, losing an entire night of sleep is rough - pray that we are able to get the sleep we need have extra energy to get through the day. Thanks again for everyone who has sacrificed and prayed for Rachel - we are all eternally grateful!

--
Jules

Blessed

This last week has been a hard week as we have seen Rachel continue to decline in her health. We are not sure if it is the cancer taking more of her body or the medication but it is probably both. Now Rachel is very tired and sleeps most of the day on the couch or in her bed. She is always surrounded by her family and some close friends. I try to be there during the day as much as I can just to help Mom and to be with my sister. It has been shocking everyday to see how much Rachel has changed and my heart continually breaks. Tears are continually shed in the house for Rachel and for the pain we are experiencing.

I have slept over a couple times this week because Rachel has needed 24/7 watch and help with her medications. Rachel is also hallucinating a lot due to the medication and needs help understanding what is actually happening and what she has hallucinated. At times she get so frustrated because she speaks out in her hallucinations and realizes what is actually going on. In the middle of the night I was running and chasing Rachel as she flew out of bed to run downstairs for a glass of juice. Her hallucinations are at times funny and we all (including Rachel) get a kick out of them. Yesterday she hallucinated that Rob's socks were on the stove in a pot of boiling water...hmmm...sounds like Rachel thinks Rob's socks much REALLY smell:-) Or that she was going couponing with Monika or that Entimans was having a good sale on bagels and she was going to get them for the boys. God is good to Rachel that they are not scary hallucinations!!

I think the tears that we cry everyday are important for us. well, more of the feeling that produces the tears...the feeling of grief! What is the point of grief? it is to direct us to the only One who can bring us comfort and that is the Lord. I seek Him for understanding as to why my sister has to go through the pain. When life is going great, sometimes we don't feel the need to go broken before the Lord crying out because life is great! I am going now broken to the Lord... getting to know Him more deeply then ever before. Finding His peace to be more rewarding and fulfilling then any other type of "peace" the world could ever offer.

I picture what heaven will be like based on my earthly desires of awesomeness!! Rachel and I have talked about how we will get to eat whatever food we want to eat without worrying how it will put on the pounds. Seriously, think about it! When I go to a party, I go for the food!! Even if I just look at it and wish I could stuff as much of it in my mouth as I could! In heaven, the food is going to be breathtaking.  We also talk about being able to sing. Now some of you  might be able to sing and have a voice that all of us would love to listen to but we Arnold women are not gifted in that area!! We can not carry a tune to save our lives...in heaven, Rachel and I will be able to sing and it will sounds amazing!

I am not sure what (of course this is my earthly mind thinking) what Rachel will do first after she see's Jesus but it might have to do with cleaning, couponing or organizing because that is what Rachel loves to do besides serving the Lord.I find comfort in know that Rachel is going to Heaven and that she will be pain free there. I look forward to her being there and I look forward to joining her someday! A family friend said that sometimes God gives our loved ones pain so that it is easier for us to let them go. It's true...I don't want Rachel here in pain. I want the Rachel of 1 year ago when she had beaten the first round of cancer and was couponing with me or running half marathons or telling me how to run my life...thats the Rachel I want. I want the Lord to have this Rachel who is in pain or drugged up all the time and I look forward to knowing that she is painfree.

Rachel and I have also talked about how blessed we have been...I know, she is dying of cancer and in our minds that is not a blessing  but this is the course that God has given us. We are blessed to have an amazing family surround us with love. We are blessed to have security in our salvation and to have an amazing heavenly home to look forward to. We are blessed to have people bring us food to eat so we can spend more time with Rachel. We are BLESSED!!! I will not loose focus of that even though I am grieving.

Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus

Thank you Cousin Julie for taking the time to write about our days. I have been silent because my heart is grieving and I can't seem to put into words anything more then tears!

From Julie:
This beautiful old Hymn has been constantly playing through my mind for about a week now. As I watch Rachel dealing with the many ups and downs of this sickness and the constant uncertainty, the One who is always constant in our lives is always on my mind and Tis so sweet to trust in Him! It is very hard to watch someone you care about so deeply declining (at least her body is) so quickly. I try to stay positive, but many times I find myself (selfishly) crying out to God to let me have more time with her!
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!
O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
He will be with Rachel till then end of this life on earth, but the great new is we know even longer after that - He will be with her throughout eternity! Praise the Lord we have that sweet assurance.
As Rachel battles with the latest "down" of the cancer, the vomiting and not being able to keep food down, she is being constantly surrounded by so many who love her! There is her ever faithful husband Rob, always serenely standing by ready to get his love whatever she needs. He has been the picture of the perfect husband for Rachel and a great example to his boys.
Of course there is her Mom, my Aunt Barbara, who definitely gets the Mom of the year award. Constantly there for Rachel in whatever she needs, whether that be to rub her feet, get her medications, sleep by her side, or watch her two boys. Aunt Barbara is a picture of strength and love all at the same time. Then there is her sister Betty, the constant servant, loving her older sister enough to do anything for her, and I mean ANYTHING. Between making Rachel smoothies, calling the hospice nurses, and helping to tote around the boys, Betty has been an unbelievable sister to Rachel. I admire these two women so much and their true picture of the servant's heart that Jesus spoke of in the Bible. Matthew 23:12 says, "For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted". Betty and Barbara have most definitely chosen to live by this principle.
Rachel also has been blessed to get visits from her Aunts and Uncles who, as everyone else, love her so dearly. Aunt Betty comes almost every day to sit and talk and pray with Rachel. Aunt Paula and Uncle Joe came up from Kentucky to be with Rachel for almost a week. Relishing in the short time they got to spend with Rachel, Sunday was a very tearful goodbye as they had to head back home. Then my Mom and Dad, Uncle Jim and Aunt Lois came up from Georgia to visit Rachel. They spent a couple of precious days loving on their cherished niece.
Then there is the Amish couple Henry and Barbara, fast becoming best friends after they met at a Stihl conference years ago. The brought their 3 daughters and son to see Rachel. Rachel has been such a great example and friend to these girls and you can see how much they love and admire her as they struggle to understand with tears in their eyes. Rachel has been such a great example and mentor to those girls, I am sure they will up wanting to have a close relationship with the Lord and serve Him with their lives as Rachel does.
Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. It has meant more to Rachel and our family than you will ever know. From the meals, flowers, and cards, taking the boys, etc. you have all been wonderful! Please pray for Rachel that she will be able to keep the vomiting at bay and slowly be able to add some food. It is not easy for any of us in the family - we do not know how much longer we have with Rachel, but as the song above says, "Jesus Jesus, Precious Jesus - O for grace to trust Him more". This beautiful old Hymn has been constantly playing through my mind for about a week now. As I watch Rachel dealing with the many ups and downs of this sickness and the constant uncertainty, the One who is always constant in our lives is always on my mind and Tis so sweet to trust in Him! It is very hard to watch someone you care about so deeply declining (at least her body is) so quickly. I try to stay positive, but many times I find myself (selfishly) crying out to God to let me have more time with her!
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!
O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
He will be with Rachel till then end of this life on earth, but the great new is we know even longer after that - He will be with her throughout eternity! Praise the Lord we have that sweet assurance.
As Rachel battles with the latest "down" of the cancer, the vomiting and not being able to keep food down, she is being constantly surrounded by so many who love her! There is her ever faithful husband Rob, always serenely standing by ready to get his love whatever she needs. He has been the picture of the perfect husband for Rachel and a great example to his boys.
Of course there is her Mom, my Aunt Barbara, who definitely gets the Mom of the year award. Constantly there for Rachel in whatever she needs, whether that be to rub her feet, get her medications, sleep by her side, or watch her two boys. Aunt Barbara is a picture of strength and love all at the same time. Then there is her sister Betty, the constant servant, loving her older sister enough to do anything for her, and I mean ANYTHING. Between making Rachel smoothies, calling the hospice nurses, and helping to tote around the boys, Betty has been an unbelievable sister to Rachel. I admire these two women so much and their true picture of the servant's heart that Jesus spoke of in the Bible. Matthew 23:12 says, "For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted". Betty and Barbara have most definitely chosen to live by this principle.
Rachel also has been blessed to get visits from her Aunts and Uncles who, as everyone else, love her so dearly. Aunt Betty comes almost every day to sit and talk and pray with Rachel. Aunt Paula and Uncle Joe came up from Kentucky to be with Rachel for almost a week. Relishing in the short time they got to spend with Rachel, Sunday was a very tearful goodbye as they had to head back home. Then my Mom and Dad, Uncle Jim and Aunt Lois came up from Georgia to visit Rachel. They spent a couple of precious days loving on their cherished niece.
Then there is the Amish couple Henry and Barbara, fast becoming best friends after they met at a Stihl conference years ago. The brought their 3 daughters and son to see Rachel. Rachel has been such a great example and friend to these girls and you can see how much they love and admire her as they struggle to understand with tears in their eyes. Rachel has been such a great example and mentor to those girls, I am sure they will up wanting to have a close relationship with the Lord and serve Him with their lives as Rachel does.
Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. It has meant more to Rachel and our family than you will ever know. From the meals, flowers, and cards, taking the boys, etc. you have all been wonderful! Please pray for Rachel that she will be able to keep the vomiting at bay and slowly be able to add some food. It is not easy for any of us in the family - we do not know how much longer we have with Rachel, but as the song above says, "Jesus Jesus, Precious Jesus - O for grace to trust Him more".

This is my sister!!

This is a video of my sister...I love her so much!! This was taken at her Church FAC.

My Sister

From my sister

Rachel wrote this a couple days ago. Mostly she wrote it to show that she was human. I think Rachel felt like people were focusing too much on her and what she was had done and Rachel wanted to make sure people remembered her more human side:-)

SO one thing that has really struck me over the last month of blogs and people writing notes on facebook, is that no one has mentioned the largest and most overwhelming side of me...my SIN NATURE. I know what you’re thinking, who would be a jerk enough to write on a “dying persons” page all of her shortcomings:) Haha, I wouldn’t!! But honestly a lot of the posts about me have painted me in a good light, when I know full well that my sin nature is something I struggle with hourly. Unfortunately, the first thought out of my head each day is NOT how I can bless others. In the last month, I have yelled things at my 11 year old son that have been so ugly that I’m totally ashamed and could die just thinking about them. I hurt my sister (I’m sure weekly) by being short with her when she shows up with 3 kids-after the house was just cleaned!! I “demand” more things from my mom then I “ask nicely” for in a day. My poor dad gets much more of the brunt of my coldness then anyone else. I HATE!! when he just sits and wants to be close to me, but to me it just makes me feel so uncomfortable like I’m being stared at. So at least 2 times today I’ve asked my poor dad, who, by the way does EVERYTHING for me, to just leave me alone. I’ve caught myself more then once today thinking or saying something not so nice about someone in my life. I just need people to know and understand that when I read your posts and notes to me, I don’t always agree. I know myself, I”m there when I talk unkindly about people, when I’m short and unkind to those around me. When I get snippety with my husband who isn’t doing things quite the way I want, instead of being too blown away with how awesome he’s been. I hate how I yell way more quickly at my sons, then try to keep my cool and act like an adult!!! I want everyone who reads our blog to know that I’m foremost a sinner. That if you were a fly on my wall that you’d hear things from my mouth that aren’t the prettiest. I wish I could say that as I was growing closer to the LORD and walking on this journey home, I was becoming more “holy”, but that’s just not the truth. But isn’t that why we can’t get to heaven on our own? Each day I sit back and as I go over the day, and I”m ashamed of all my failings I”m blown away by God’s never ending love and forgiveness for me. Thank you God that you could love a sinner like me and that honestly I’m NOT perfect!! That way, I can be reminded daily of why I need the LORD’s forgiveness.

What Rachel's days looks like

The last three weeks have gone by a lot differently then I had hoped for and it feels like Rachel daily gets worse. Unless God decides to heal her, I think Rachel time here is limited and soon she will be healed in Heaven. Part of me wants this to happen quickly because it is so hard to see her continually in pain but part of me wants her to hold on so that God can heal her and I have my sister back. Questions fill my head as to why this is happening. Emotionally I am drained as I see my sister sit on the couch with her brow scrunched together either in pain or confusion about what is going on around her.

Hospice has been coming out to work with the pain that Rachel is in but it is frustrating because there are side affect to each medication and Rachel is continually experiencing almost all the side affect that remotely could happen. I fear how all the medications are combined and if that is causing her unneeded confusion or pain.

The latest side affects that Rachel has been experiencing has been thrush in her mouth, acid reflux and throwing up. It is so hard to see my strong sister in this state. She is a ghost of what she wants was and spends most of her days falling into half sleeps because she can't sleep at night. This seems to have triggered some hallucination's every time she closes her eyes. Yesterday was a confusing and upsetting day for her because it really did feel like the hallucination's were real and she would talk through them out loud while others were around, then open her eyes confused only to realized that what she thought was real was in fact not.

Rachel now needs a walker to go out anywhere. Dad spent a lot of time researching what was the best walker and that was a nice disraction for him. I know Dad loves to get the best for Rachel and he got her the best walker around!! He calls it the transformer because it goes from a walker to a wheel chair. Dad also researched the best stair chair lift for Rachel because she is having a hard time going up the stairs. It will be put on Dad and Mom's side of the house and a doorway will now be put between Mom and Dad's side of the house and Rachel and Rob's side of the house. When they had the house build, this was the plan for when Dad got so sick that Rachel would have to take care of him... wow, this was not the plan at all but now the door is being put in so that Rachel can use the chair lift to get up the stairs. I guess God knew what they were doing 6 years ago when Mom, Dad, Rachel and Rob all built a house together for the purpose of Rachel taking care of Mom and Dad when they grew old.

My brother Wayne is home early from Africa to spend time with Rachel. it was very hard for him to be over in Africa and get the message that it was time for him to come home. His experience over there was less then pleasing in many aspect from no clothes of his own the entire time due to all his luggage being lost, contracting Malaria, being robbed and a very long trip back home. The last time Wayne saw Rachel was the weekend of her Celebration Party in April. He left with Rachel looking 20 pounds heavier and we were still all fighting with HOPE! Wayne returned to see Rachel very changed...it broke my heart seeing my brother devastated over the reality of what was happening to our sister!

I have not written a lot recently because my heart is grieving. I feel like I need to write about how great God is or how our family is staying strong through all of this or how we see God working through the situation right now. I feel like I should write about how great Rachel is doing even though the cancer is destroying her body. I just can't ... and so I have not written anything personal. I want to write like Julie or Sue has but I can't. Am I depressed? probably! is my family depressed? probably! Is this a nightmare where we all will wake up and Rachel will have cleaned the whole house from top to bottom while we all had this horrible dream? GOD!!!! How I wish that were true! but no... we are all awake! We are all hurting!!

We all cry a lot! We all walk slowly around the house trying to help Rachel. We all spend time with her because we love her so much.

Yesterday my church was amazing and prayed over Jim and I for our family. People that I did not know at church came and gave me a hug. They asked me how I was doing and I talked about my sister and how she was ready to go to Heaven. They gathered together and layed hands on Jim and I and prayed. I was so touched. People came and offered meals, to clean and to watch my kids so I could visit with Rachel. What an amazing show of love!!!

 When life gets back to "normal" I plan on getting involved with ministies that meet the needs of those who are grieving like our family is. A meal might seem like something unimportant but to our family it has meant more time with Rachel. We don't have to worry about what to eat, we can worry about Rachel. My Mom's house has been cleaned every weekend by the women in her church. It seems like a meaningless job but those women are ministering to our family is the most basic ways!!! God bless them!!!

Happy Birthday Rachel!!!

So, Rachel's birthday is coming up on Saturday (July 16th) We have all been touched deeply by Rachel's life and I know most of us would want to send Rachel an incredible birthday present. Guess what!!! I have the perfect gift for Rachel that you can take part in too!!!

World Vision is an organization that Rachel has taken part in with sponsoring a child for each of her boys. She has a strong affection for what World Vision is doing and how they are practically reaching children's lives through food, shelter, education and a way touch their lives with the gospel.

I have set up a personal site to honor Rachel through your donations to World Vision! Rachel and all of us will be able to see how  we are all financial sponsoring World Vision as our gift to Rachel for her birthday.

Please join with me to give Rachel the best gift she would want by giving to others! I want to say more about how amazing my sister is and how she will totally love this gift but I want to post this first so she can see it and we can all start blessing her flipflops off!!! SOOOO excited!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL!!! 

Click here to go to the donation site

Can someone write more about Rachel's love for ministry and her desire to touch other's with the love of God?? I am emotionally spent right now:-)

An amazing letter from Julie!!

He has chosen you for such a time as this!

I had a great ride to and home from Bible Study with Rachel last night. As I look back over the past few years that I have lived in New Jersey, these hour long round trip rides with Rachel have become some of my favorite memories! We are able to discuss our lives, what God is doing in our lives, decompress from what we learned and discussed in Bible Study, and work on memory verses together – this time has been priceless and such a gift from God!! Well last night we discussed a lot of things on the way to church about where God has us right now, and where He has brought us from (and of course I cried even before I got to Bible Study – it seems I cry at the drop of the hat anymore since things that have happened in my life in the past couple of years. I used to NEVER NEVER cry except during sad movies – oh how God can change a person!). But one thing we discussed was how amazing it was that God has brought us both back to himself – see God is the author of all change and for whatever reason (actually the reason is to ultimately bring Himself the most Glory), He decides sometimes to not bring people who have strayed back to Himself. We both have seen him literally drag us back to Him many times in our lives and what an amazing blessing that is! I just want to cry right now thinking about how faithful He is and how special it is that He chooses me! And Rachel has seen it too – once when she was so far, God has brought her full circle to such an amazing close relationship with Him. Praise the Lord!!

One thing that strikes me as I watch Rachel deal with this season in her life, is how she so humbly and graciously accepts where God has put her at this moment in time. It truly is as the song say, Well with her Soul! Last night we were discussing how she will quite possibly very soon start to have to use a wheel chair because the tumor is sitting right on her sciatica nerve, making it very hard for her to walk even a short distance. Rachel discussed this so calmly and serenely, just as if she was discussing what she would have for lunch! Wow, this coming from my cousin who I used to watch in amazement clean her entire house the minute she got back from vacation, frantically scrubbing and doing laundry after she spent all day traveling. The girl who helped me unpack my entire house when I moved into my first house in just one night (and yes it was mostly her!), the girl who could run circles around me in the 5k races we would run just two short years ago. But now she understands that God has her at this moment for a reason and she is basking in her precious time with the Lord and with her friends and family and not worrying about what she cannot control!

Rachel told us last night that a visiting friend had thanked her yesterday for being so open and sharing her journey with everyone. I could not agree more! I love how Rachel has shared with us her feelings and what we can be praying about – allowing us all to grow as much as she is during this journey! One of my favorite things to watch is how Rachel has set aside special time to spend with friends and family that want to come visit. Even being as sick as she is, she wants to invest in other people’s lives and let them know how special they are to her! This to me is an amazing expression of God’s love!

I will leave you with this. God in His infinite knowledge, looked through all the generations there ever were, and all the generation that are to come, and decided to place Rachel in this century, in this country, in this culture, in this family, in this house, in this place. How amazing this that? He could have picked any other time or place, but He chose right here and now! And He did the same for you and me! Rachel and I were discussing last night that neither of us were at the places and circumstances in our lives that we pictured we would be. But you know what, He has us here for a reason, and just like Rachel is doing, I want to make the most of where He has me and not waste it by pining away for something else! Will you do the same? Don’t waste the time that God has given you, every hour and every minute is precious and God promises us that He works all things together for good to those that love him and are the called according to His purpose. I choose to follow Rachel’s lead (she always was way out in front of everyone ;-)) and Serve The Lord at this place and at this time!

To Him be the Glory forever and ever!

"Fighting"

A quick update on what Rachel has been doing.

After getting the news that Rachel got 2 weeks ago she has been busy making sure all the last minute things are taken care of and that nothing is left undone.

Hospice has been coming out to the house to help Rachel with her pain management and any other medical need that she might have. This has been nice because now we don't have to worry about taking Rachel to the ER anymore when ever her pain is too great. We just call hospice and they send a nurse out to take care of Rachel.

Rachel has been teaching me the books for the shop, her finances and Mom and Dad's finances. Talk about overwhelming amount of information but I am enjoying the distraction.

Many friends and family have been coming to visit Rachel which has been wonderful and uplifting. It helps distract Rachel from the pain and the unknown future.

This is from a friend who came over yesterday...I really appreciate what she has to say:

Fighter/noun/meanings
1. A person or animal that fights, esp. as a soldier or a boxer.
2. A person who does not easily admit defeat in spite of difficulties or opposition.

1 Timothy 6:12
Fight the good fight for the faith. Keep holding on to eternal life, to which you were called and about which you gave a good testimony in front of many witnesses.

So, after thinking today – while visiting Rachel – about this whole “fighting” thing…I felt like I wanted to write something on it. Personally, I feel like using the term “fight” is almost an unfair one! Now, that said, I have used it MANY times – I’m sure I will do it again as well… it’s kind of what you SAY to people who are sick, right? One of those pre-programmed words that we all learn, especially when it pertains to cancer. But it hit me WHY I don’t like it! Because (and I could be crazy) I almost feel like it puts ridiculous amounts of pressure on who you say it to, or about. When dealing with this awful thing *I HATE YOU, CANCER*, to say someone is a fighter almost makes it seem like if they “lose” this fight, it was their own fault…as though you can train for a fight with cancer? You make sickeningly hard decisions, never truly knowing what the outcome will be…hoping and praying for the best. You don’t get the satisfaction of punching someone or something that would come from an actual fight…And what you do get is, in many cases, strangers deciding you aren’t “fighting” hard enough, or that you have given up, when God forbid they were in your shoes they would be at a loss themselves. So it hit me that i think fighting is relative to the person and situation. Did you get up? Get dressed? Say, “good morning” to your family? Hug your kids and family members? Try to eat breakfast even though it doesn’t taste like anything anymore? Be AMAZINGLY kind and thoughtful to everyone that crosses your path? Ask someone else how THEY are doing? Smile at your nieces and nephews being silly? I think anyone who knows Rachel, knows without a doubt all these things happen, and then some. I leave visiting my childhood friend who I love so much, feeling encouraged by her faith, but hating to see her in pain. I pray for healing! I do not want her to leave us, I want to be selfish and make her stay somehow….but I also think she should know that it’s ok….that when God calls her home where there is no more pain, that it’s more than ok to run for it as fast as she can. And though she tells me she doesn’t feel like a fighter, she really is…and I love her dearly for it. This isn’t what she chose this happened to her, but she IS choosing every day, maybe hundreds of times a day, how to deal with it. And to keep believing and trusting God, to smile at someone, to drink some hot tea, or to eat a piece of pizza with her husband and sister IS fighting.

 

 

 

Thank you Sue!

From Rachel

So Betty Arnold Biad and I had a discussion today about giving up hope. She asked me if I had, or if I felt like the family had giving up hope. I said absolutely NOT! Just because I"m making plans for a future when I may not be here, and that I"m planning my own Life Celebration (Funeral) does not mean that I don't think that God will heal me right here and now.

I have decided though that I gave everything the best shot that I physically could. I have stopped most of my strict diet, opting for whatever I want to eat, because frankly I need to put on weight!! That doesn't mean that I don't whole heartedly believe in every alternative treatment I tried, it just means that I"m content that when healing comes it is going to be completely on God's terms.

You may think that I wasted my time hoping and trying wacky things to heal myself. But I look at the last 6 months as a time of HOPE and I wouldn't trade one thing I did, or one dollar I spent. The last 6 months have been priceless for our family in the terms of LOVE, HOPE and bonding. We made this fun, a journey of new things, a journey of experimenting and a time of complete JOY. I thank God for the bonding that my alternative choices brought us as a family. We had so much fun juicing and cooking, reading and watching videos on HOPE and healing. Thank you God that you led me down this path of holistic healing. That though it hasn't brought us the outcome that we set out for, it has brought us something far more precious, HOPE and JOY during our "darkest" days!!

 So as I now shift my thinking and our family starts to plan for a time I won't be here I ask that you pray for them that they will continue on this path of joy and bonding. I will never give up on Healing, I know that one way or the other it's coming, here on earth or when standing side by side with Jesus. Thank you so much for all your prayers, thoughts, and encouragement. You are all living, breathing examples of God's love to me:)

Here is a paragraph from a book I"m reading that really summed up what God has been teaching me over the last few months:

Battling Our Unbelief;
In order to discard our unbelief. We much affirm God's plan in the present moment-say yes to God and what he is doing in our lives today. "Trusting God in the midst of our pain and heartache has the connotation of willingness. An attitude of acceptance says that we trust God, that He loves us, and know what is best for us". This is not to wave a white flag of surrender, resigning ourselves to the inevitable because we are helpless to do anything else. Trusting God means we embrace his goodness in this part of the race and determine, by his grace, to run.