Blessed

This last week has been a hard week as we have seen Rachel continue to decline in her health. We are not sure if it is the cancer taking more of her body or the medication but it is probably both. Now Rachel is very tired and sleeps most of the day on the couch or in her bed. She is always surrounded by her family and some close friends. I try to be there during the day as much as I can just to help Mom and to be with my sister. It has been shocking everyday to see how much Rachel has changed and my heart continually breaks. Tears are continually shed in the house for Rachel and for the pain we are experiencing.

I have slept over a couple times this week because Rachel has needed 24/7 watch and help with her medications. Rachel is also hallucinating a lot due to the medication and needs help understanding what is actually happening and what she has hallucinated. At times she get so frustrated because she speaks out in her hallucinations and realizes what is actually going on. In the middle of the night I was running and chasing Rachel as she flew out of bed to run downstairs for a glass of juice. Her hallucinations are at times funny and we all (including Rachel) get a kick out of them. Yesterday she hallucinated that Rob's socks were on the stove in a pot of boiling water...hmmm...sounds like Rachel thinks Rob's socks much REALLY smell:-) Or that she was going couponing with Monika or that Entimans was having a good sale on bagels and she was going to get them for the boys. God is good to Rachel that they are not scary hallucinations!!

I think the tears that we cry everyday are important for us. well, more of the feeling that produces the tears...the feeling of grief! What is the point of grief? it is to direct us to the only One who can bring us comfort and that is the Lord. I seek Him for understanding as to why my sister has to go through the pain. When life is going great, sometimes we don't feel the need to go broken before the Lord crying out because life is great! I am going now broken to the Lord... getting to know Him more deeply then ever before. Finding His peace to be more rewarding and fulfilling then any other type of "peace" the world could ever offer.

I picture what heaven will be like based on my earthly desires of awesomeness!! Rachel and I have talked about how we will get to eat whatever food we want to eat without worrying how it will put on the pounds. Seriously, think about it! When I go to a party, I go for the food!! Even if I just look at it and wish I could stuff as much of it in my mouth as I could! In heaven, the food is going to be breathtaking.  We also talk about being able to sing. Now some of you  might be able to sing and have a voice that all of us would love to listen to but we Arnold women are not gifted in that area!! We can not carry a tune to save our lives...in heaven, Rachel and I will be able to sing and it will sounds amazing!

I am not sure what (of course this is my earthly mind thinking) what Rachel will do first after she see's Jesus but it might have to do with cleaning, couponing or organizing because that is what Rachel loves to do besides serving the Lord.I find comfort in know that Rachel is going to Heaven and that she will be pain free there. I look forward to her being there and I look forward to joining her someday! A family friend said that sometimes God gives our loved ones pain so that it is easier for us to let them go. It's true...I don't want Rachel here in pain. I want the Rachel of 1 year ago when she had beaten the first round of cancer and was couponing with me or running half marathons or telling me how to run my life...thats the Rachel I want. I want the Lord to have this Rachel who is in pain or drugged up all the time and I look forward to knowing that she is painfree.

Rachel and I have also talked about how blessed we have been...I know, she is dying of cancer and in our minds that is not a blessing  but this is the course that God has given us. We are blessed to have an amazing family surround us with love. We are blessed to have security in our salvation and to have an amazing heavenly home to look forward to. We are blessed to have people bring us food to eat so we can spend more time with Rachel. We are BLESSED!!! I will not loose focus of that even though I am grieving.