This last week has been a hard week as we have seen Rachel continue to decline in her health. We are not sure if it is the cancer taking more of her body or the medication but it is probably both. Now Rachel is very tired and sleeps most of the day on the couch or in her bed. She is always surrounded by her family and some close friends. I try to be there during the day as much as I can just to help Mom and to be with my sister. It has been shocking everyday to see how much Rachel has changed and my heart continually breaks. Tears are continually shed in the house for Rachel and for the pain we are experiencing.
I have slept over a couple times this week because Rachel has needed 24/7 watch and help with her medications. Rachel is also hallucinating a lot due to the medication and needs help understanding what is actually happening and what she has hallucinated. At times she get so frustrated because she speaks out in her hallucinations and realizes what is actually going on. In the middle of the night I was running and chasing Rachel as she flew out of bed to run downstairs for a glass of juice. Her hallucinations are at times funny and we all (including Rachel) get a kick out of them. Yesterday she hallucinated that Rob's socks were on the stove in a pot of boiling water...hmmm...sounds like Rachel thinks Rob's socks much REALLY smell:-) Or that she was going couponing with Monika or that Entimans was having a good sale on bagels and she was going to get them for the boys. God is good to Rachel that they are not scary hallucinations!!
I think the tears that we cry everyday are important for us. well, more of the feeling that produces the tears...the feeling of grief! What is the point of grief? it is to direct us to the only One who can bring us comfort and that is the Lord. I seek Him for understanding as to why my sister has to go through the pain. When life is going great, sometimes we don't feel the need to go broken before the Lord crying out because life is great! I am going now broken to the Lord... getting to know Him more deeply then ever before. Finding His peace to be more rewarding and fulfilling then any other type of "peace" the world could ever offer.
I picture what heaven will be like based on my earthly desires of awesomeness!! Rachel and I have talked about how we will get to eat whatever food we want to eat without worrying how it will put on the pounds. Seriously, think about it! When I go to a party, I go for the food!! Even if I just look at it and wish I could stuff as much of it in my mouth as I could! In heaven, the food is going to be breathtaking. We also talk about being able to sing. Now some of you might be able to sing and have a voice that all of us would love to listen to but we Arnold women are not gifted in that area!! We can not carry a tune to save our lives...in heaven, Rachel and I will be able to sing and it will sounds amazing!
I am not sure what (of course this is my earthly mind thinking) what Rachel will do first after she see's Jesus but it might have to do with cleaning, couponing or organizing because that is what Rachel loves to do besides serving the Lord.I find comfort in know that Rachel is going to Heaven and that she will be pain free there. I look forward to her being there and I look forward to joining her someday! A family friend said that sometimes God gives our loved ones pain so that it is easier for us to let them go. It's true...I don't want Rachel here in pain. I want the Rachel of 1 year ago when she had beaten the first round of cancer and was couponing with me or running half marathons or telling me how to run my life...thats the Rachel I want. I want the Lord to have this Rachel who is in pain or drugged up all the time and I look forward to knowing that she is painfree.
Rachel and I have also talked about how blessed we have been...I know, she is dying of cancer and in our minds that is not a blessing but this is the course that God has given us. We are blessed to have an amazing family surround us with love. We are blessed to have security in our salvation and to have an amazing heavenly home to look forward to. We are blessed to have people bring us food to eat so we can spend more time with Rachel. We are BLESSED!!! I will not loose focus of that even though I am grieving.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus
Thank you Cousin Julie for taking the time to write about our days. I have been silent because my heart is grieving and I can't seem to put into words anything more then tears!
From Julie:
This beautiful old Hymn has been constantly playing through my mind for about a week now. As I watch Rachel dealing with the many ups and downs of this sickness and the constant uncertainty, the One who is always constant in our lives is always on my mind and Tis so sweet to trust in Him! It is very hard to watch someone you care about so deeply declining (at least her body is) so quickly. I try to stay positive, but many times I find myself (selfishly) crying out to God to let me have more time with her!
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!
O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
He will be with Rachel till then end of this life on earth, but the great new is we know even longer after that - He will be with her throughout eternity! Praise the Lord we have that sweet assurance.
As Rachel battles with the latest "down" of the cancer, the vomiting and not being able to keep food down, she is being constantly surrounded by so many who love her! There is her ever faithful husband Rob, always serenely standing by ready to get his love whatever she needs. He has been the picture of the perfect husband for Rachel and a great example to his boys.
Of course there is her Mom, my Aunt Barbara, who definitely gets the Mom of the year award. Constantly there for Rachel in whatever she needs, whether that be to rub her feet, get her medications, sleep by her side, or watch her two boys. Aunt Barbara is a picture of strength and love all at the same time. Then there is her sister Betty, the constant servant, loving her older sister enough to do anything for her, and I mean ANYTHING. Between making Rachel smoothies, calling the hospice nurses, and helping to tote around the boys, Betty has been an unbelievable sister to Rachel. I admire these two women so much and their true picture of the servant's heart that Jesus spoke of in the Bible. Matthew 23:12 says, "For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted". Betty and Barbara have most definitely chosen to live by this principle.
Rachel also has been blessed to get visits from her Aunts and Uncles who, as everyone else, love her so dearly. Aunt Betty comes almost every day to sit and talk and pray with Rachel. Aunt Paula and Uncle Joe came up from Kentucky to be with Rachel for almost a week. Relishing in the short time they got to spend with Rachel, Sunday was a very tearful goodbye as they had to head back home. Then my Mom and Dad, Uncle Jim and Aunt Lois came up from Georgia to visit Rachel. They spent a couple of precious days loving on their cherished niece.
Then there is the Amish couple Henry and Barbara, fast becoming best friends after they met at a Stihl conference years ago. The brought their 3 daughters and son to see Rachel. Rachel has been such a great example and friend to these girls and you can see how much they love and admire her as they struggle to understand with tears in their eyes. Rachel has been such a great example and mentor to those girls, I am sure they will up wanting to have a close relationship with the Lord and serve Him with their lives as Rachel does.
Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. It has meant more to Rachel and our family than you will ever know. From the meals, flowers, and cards, taking the boys, etc. you have all been wonderful! Please pray for Rachel that she will be able to keep the vomiting at bay and slowly be able to add some food. It is not easy for any of us in the family - we do not know how much longer we have with Rachel, but as the song above says, "Jesus Jesus, Precious Jesus - O for grace to trust Him more". This beautiful old Hymn has been constantly playing through my mind for about a week now. As I watch Rachel dealing with the many ups and downs of this sickness and the constant uncertainty, the One who is always constant in our lives is always on my mind and Tis so sweet to trust in Him! It is very hard to watch someone you care about so deeply declining (at least her body is) so quickly. I try to stay positive, but many times I find myself (selfishly) crying out to God to let me have more time with her!
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!
O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
He will be with Rachel till then end of this life on earth, but the great new is we know even longer after that - He will be with her throughout eternity! Praise the Lord we have that sweet assurance.
As Rachel battles with the latest "down" of the cancer, the vomiting and not being able to keep food down, she is being constantly surrounded by so many who love her! There is her ever faithful husband Rob, always serenely standing by ready to get his love whatever she needs. He has been the picture of the perfect husband for Rachel and a great example to his boys.
Of course there is her Mom, my Aunt Barbara, who definitely gets the Mom of the year award. Constantly there for Rachel in whatever she needs, whether that be to rub her feet, get her medications, sleep by her side, or watch her two boys. Aunt Barbara is a picture of strength and love all at the same time. Then there is her sister Betty, the constant servant, loving her older sister enough to do anything for her, and I mean ANYTHING. Between making Rachel smoothies, calling the hospice nurses, and helping to tote around the boys, Betty has been an unbelievable sister to Rachel. I admire these two women so much and their true picture of the servant's heart that Jesus spoke of in the Bible. Matthew 23:12 says, "For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted". Betty and Barbara have most definitely chosen to live by this principle.
Rachel also has been blessed to get visits from her Aunts and Uncles who, as everyone else, love her so dearly. Aunt Betty comes almost every day to sit and talk and pray with Rachel. Aunt Paula and Uncle Joe came up from Kentucky to be with Rachel for almost a week. Relishing in the short time they got to spend with Rachel, Sunday was a very tearful goodbye as they had to head back home. Then my Mom and Dad, Uncle Jim and Aunt Lois came up from Georgia to visit Rachel. They spent a couple of precious days loving on their cherished niece.
Then there is the Amish couple Henry and Barbara, fast becoming best friends after they met at a Stihl conference years ago. The brought their 3 daughters and son to see Rachel. Rachel has been such a great example and friend to these girls and you can see how much they love and admire her as they struggle to understand with tears in their eyes. Rachel has been such a great example and mentor to those girls, I am sure they will up wanting to have a close relationship with the Lord and serve Him with their lives as Rachel does.
Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. It has meant more to Rachel and our family than you will ever know. From the meals, flowers, and cards, taking the boys, etc. you have all been wonderful! Please pray for Rachel that she will be able to keep the vomiting at bay and slowly be able to add some food. It is not easy for any of us in the family - we do not know how much longer we have with Rachel, but as the song above says, "Jesus Jesus, Precious Jesus - O for grace to trust Him more".
From Julie:
This beautiful old Hymn has been constantly playing through my mind for about a week now. As I watch Rachel dealing with the many ups and downs of this sickness and the constant uncertainty, the One who is always constant in our lives is always on my mind and Tis so sweet to trust in Him! It is very hard to watch someone you care about so deeply declining (at least her body is) so quickly. I try to stay positive, but many times I find myself (selfishly) crying out to God to let me have more time with her!
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!
O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
He will be with Rachel till then end of this life on earth, but the great new is we know even longer after that - He will be with her throughout eternity! Praise the Lord we have that sweet assurance.
As Rachel battles with the latest "down" of the cancer, the vomiting and not being able to keep food down, she is being constantly surrounded by so many who love her! There is her ever faithful husband Rob, always serenely standing by ready to get his love whatever she needs. He has been the picture of the perfect husband for Rachel and a great example to his boys.
Of course there is her Mom, my Aunt Barbara, who definitely gets the Mom of the year award. Constantly there for Rachel in whatever she needs, whether that be to rub her feet, get her medications, sleep by her side, or watch her two boys. Aunt Barbara is a picture of strength and love all at the same time. Then there is her sister Betty, the constant servant, loving her older sister enough to do anything for her, and I mean ANYTHING. Between making Rachel smoothies, calling the hospice nurses, and helping to tote around the boys, Betty has been an unbelievable sister to Rachel. I admire these two women so much and their true picture of the servant's heart that Jesus spoke of in the Bible. Matthew 23:12 says, "For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted". Betty and Barbara have most definitely chosen to live by this principle.
Rachel also has been blessed to get visits from her Aunts and Uncles who, as everyone else, love her so dearly. Aunt Betty comes almost every day to sit and talk and pray with Rachel. Aunt Paula and Uncle Joe came up from Kentucky to be with Rachel for almost a week. Relishing in the short time they got to spend with Rachel, Sunday was a very tearful goodbye as they had to head back home. Then my Mom and Dad, Uncle Jim and Aunt Lois came up from Georgia to visit Rachel. They spent a couple of precious days loving on their cherished niece.
Then there is the Amish couple Henry and Barbara, fast becoming best friends after they met at a Stihl conference years ago. The brought their 3 daughters and son to see Rachel. Rachel has been such a great example and friend to these girls and you can see how much they love and admire her as they struggle to understand with tears in their eyes. Rachel has been such a great example and mentor to those girls, I am sure they will up wanting to have a close relationship with the Lord and serve Him with their lives as Rachel does.
Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. It has meant more to Rachel and our family than you will ever know. From the meals, flowers, and cards, taking the boys, etc. you have all been wonderful! Please pray for Rachel that she will be able to keep the vomiting at bay and slowly be able to add some food. It is not easy for any of us in the family - we do not know how much longer we have with Rachel, but as the song above says, "Jesus Jesus, Precious Jesus - O for grace to trust Him more". This beautiful old Hymn has been constantly playing through my mind for about a week now. As I watch Rachel dealing with the many ups and downs of this sickness and the constant uncertainty, the One who is always constant in our lives is always on my mind and Tis so sweet to trust in Him! It is very hard to watch someone you care about so deeply declining (at least her body is) so quickly. I try to stay positive, but many times I find myself (selfishly) crying out to God to let me have more time with her!
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!
O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
He will be with Rachel till then end of this life on earth, but the great new is we know even longer after that - He will be with her throughout eternity! Praise the Lord we have that sweet assurance.
As Rachel battles with the latest "down" of the cancer, the vomiting and not being able to keep food down, she is being constantly surrounded by so many who love her! There is her ever faithful husband Rob, always serenely standing by ready to get his love whatever she needs. He has been the picture of the perfect husband for Rachel and a great example to his boys.
Of course there is her Mom, my Aunt Barbara, who definitely gets the Mom of the year award. Constantly there for Rachel in whatever she needs, whether that be to rub her feet, get her medications, sleep by her side, or watch her two boys. Aunt Barbara is a picture of strength and love all at the same time. Then there is her sister Betty, the constant servant, loving her older sister enough to do anything for her, and I mean ANYTHING. Between making Rachel smoothies, calling the hospice nurses, and helping to tote around the boys, Betty has been an unbelievable sister to Rachel. I admire these two women so much and their true picture of the servant's heart that Jesus spoke of in the Bible. Matthew 23:12 says, "For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted". Betty and Barbara have most definitely chosen to live by this principle.
Rachel also has been blessed to get visits from her Aunts and Uncles who, as everyone else, love her so dearly. Aunt Betty comes almost every day to sit and talk and pray with Rachel. Aunt Paula and Uncle Joe came up from Kentucky to be with Rachel for almost a week. Relishing in the short time they got to spend with Rachel, Sunday was a very tearful goodbye as they had to head back home. Then my Mom and Dad, Uncle Jim and Aunt Lois came up from Georgia to visit Rachel. They spent a couple of precious days loving on their cherished niece.
Then there is the Amish couple Henry and Barbara, fast becoming best friends after they met at a Stihl conference years ago. The brought their 3 daughters and son to see Rachel. Rachel has been such a great example and friend to these girls and you can see how much they love and admire her as they struggle to understand with tears in their eyes. Rachel has been such a great example and mentor to those girls, I am sure they will up wanting to have a close relationship with the Lord and serve Him with their lives as Rachel does.
Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. It has meant more to Rachel and our family than you will ever know. From the meals, flowers, and cards, taking the boys, etc. you have all been wonderful! Please pray for Rachel that she will be able to keep the vomiting at bay and slowly be able to add some food. It is not easy for any of us in the family - we do not know how much longer we have with Rachel, but as the song above says, "Jesus Jesus, Precious Jesus - O for grace to trust Him more".
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
From my sister
Rachel wrote this a couple days ago. Mostly she wrote it to show that she was human. I think Rachel felt like people were focusing too much on her and what she was had done and Rachel wanted to make sure people remembered her more human side:-)
SO one thing that has really struck me over the last month of blogs and people writing notes on facebook, is that no one has mentioned the largest and most overwhelming side of me...my SIN NATURE. I know what you’re thinking, who would be a jerk enough to write on a “dying persons” page all of her shortcomings:) Haha, I wouldn’t!! But honestly a lot of the posts about me have painted me in a good light, when I know full well that my sin nature is something I struggle with hourly. Unfortunately, the first thought out of my head each day is NOT how I can bless others. In the last month, I have yelled things at my 11 year old son that have been so ugly that I’m totally ashamed and could die just thinking about them. I hurt my sister (I’m sure weekly) by being short with her when she shows up with 3 kids-after the house was just cleaned!! I “demand” more things from my mom then I “ask nicely” for in a day. My poor dad gets much more of the brunt of my coldness then anyone else. I HATE!! when he just sits and wants to be close to me, but to me it just makes me feel so uncomfortable like I’m being stared at. So at least 2 times today I’ve asked my poor dad, who, by the way does EVERYTHING for me, to just leave me alone. I’ve caught myself more then once today thinking or saying something not so nice about someone in my life. I just need people to know and understand that when I read your posts and notes to me, I don’t always agree. I know myself, I”m there when I talk unkindly about people, when I’m short and unkind to those around me. When I get snippety with my husband who isn’t doing things quite the way I want, instead of being too blown away with how awesome he’s been. I hate how I yell way more quickly at my sons, then try to keep my cool and act like an adult!!! I want everyone who reads our blog to know that I’m foremost a sinner. That if you were a fly on my wall that you’d hear things from my mouth that aren’t the prettiest. I wish I could say that as I was growing closer to the LORD and walking on this journey home, I was becoming more “holy”, but that’s just not the truth. But isn’t that why we can’t get to heaven on our own? Each day I sit back and as I go over the day, and I”m ashamed of all my failings I”m blown away by God’s never ending love and forgiveness for me. Thank you God that you could love a sinner like me and that honestly I’m NOT perfect!! That way, I can be reminded daily of why I need the LORD’s forgiveness.
SO one thing that has really struck me over the last month of blogs and people writing notes on facebook, is that no one has mentioned the largest and most overwhelming side of me...my SIN NATURE. I know what you’re thinking, who would be a jerk enough to write on a “dying persons” page all of her shortcomings:) Haha, I wouldn’t!! But honestly a lot of the posts about me have painted me in a good light, when I know full well that my sin nature is something I struggle with hourly. Unfortunately, the first thought out of my head each day is NOT how I can bless others. In the last month, I have yelled things at my 11 year old son that have been so ugly that I’m totally ashamed and could die just thinking about them. I hurt my sister (I’m sure weekly) by being short with her when she shows up with 3 kids-after the house was just cleaned!! I “demand” more things from my mom then I “ask nicely” for in a day. My poor dad gets much more of the brunt of my coldness then anyone else. I HATE!! when he just sits and wants to be close to me, but to me it just makes me feel so uncomfortable like I’m being stared at. So at least 2 times today I’ve asked my poor dad, who, by the way does EVERYTHING for me, to just leave me alone. I’ve caught myself more then once today thinking or saying something not so nice about someone in my life. I just need people to know and understand that when I read your posts and notes to me, I don’t always agree. I know myself, I”m there when I talk unkindly about people, when I’m short and unkind to those around me. When I get snippety with my husband who isn’t doing things quite the way I want, instead of being too blown away with how awesome he’s been. I hate how I yell way more quickly at my sons, then try to keep my cool and act like an adult!!! I want everyone who reads our blog to know that I’m foremost a sinner. That if you were a fly on my wall that you’d hear things from my mouth that aren’t the prettiest. I wish I could say that as I was growing closer to the LORD and walking on this journey home, I was becoming more “holy”, but that’s just not the truth. But isn’t that why we can’t get to heaven on our own? Each day I sit back and as I go over the day, and I”m ashamed of all my failings I”m blown away by God’s never ending love and forgiveness for me. Thank you God that you could love a sinner like me and that honestly I’m NOT perfect!! That way, I can be reminded daily of why I need the LORD’s forgiveness.
What Rachel's days looks like
The last three weeks have gone by a lot differently then I had hoped for and it feels like Rachel daily gets worse. Unless God decides to heal her, I think Rachel time here is limited and soon she will be healed in Heaven. Part of me wants this to happen quickly because it is so hard to see her continually in pain but part of me wants her to hold on so that God can heal her and I have my sister back. Questions fill my head as to why this is happening. Emotionally I am drained as I see my sister sit on the couch with her brow scrunched together either in pain or confusion about what is going on around her.
Hospice has been coming out to work with the pain that Rachel is in but it is frustrating because there are side affect to each medication and Rachel is continually experiencing almost all the side affect that remotely could happen. I fear how all the medications are combined and if that is causing her unneeded confusion or pain.
The latest side affects that Rachel has been experiencing has been thrush in her mouth, acid reflux and throwing up. It is so hard to see my strong sister in this state. She is a ghost of what she wants was and spends most of her days falling into half sleeps because she can't sleep at night. This seems to have triggered some hallucination's every time she closes her eyes. Yesterday was a confusing and upsetting day for her because it really did feel like the hallucination's were real and she would talk through them out loud while others were around, then open her eyes confused only to realized that what she thought was real was in fact not.
Rachel now needs a walker to go out anywhere. Dad spent a lot of time researching what was the best walker and that was a nice disraction for him. I know Dad loves to get the best for Rachel and he got her the best walker around!! He calls it the transformer because it goes from a walker to a wheel chair. Dad also researched the best stair chair lift for Rachel because she is having a hard time going up the stairs. It will be put on Dad and Mom's side of the house and a doorway will now be put between Mom and Dad's side of the house and Rachel and Rob's side of the house. When they had the house build, this was the plan for when Dad got so sick that Rachel would have to take care of him... wow, this was not the plan at all but now the door is being put in so that Rachel can use the chair lift to get up the stairs. I guess God knew what they were doing 6 years ago when Mom, Dad, Rachel and Rob all built a house together for the purpose of Rachel taking care of Mom and Dad when they grew old.
My brother Wayne is home early from Africa to spend time with Rachel. it was very hard for him to be over in Africa and get the message that it was time for him to come home. His experience over there was less then pleasing in many aspect from no clothes of his own the entire time due to all his luggage being lost, contracting Malaria, being robbed and a very long trip back home. The last time Wayne saw Rachel was the weekend of her Celebration Party in April. He left with Rachel looking 20 pounds heavier and we were still all fighting with HOPE! Wayne returned to see Rachel very changed...it broke my heart seeing my brother devastated over the reality of what was happening to our sister!
I have not written a lot recently because my heart is grieving. I feel like I need to write about how great God is or how our family is staying strong through all of this or how we see God working through the situation right now. I feel like I should write about how great Rachel is doing even though the cancer is destroying her body. I just can't ... and so I have not written anything personal. I want to write like Julie or Sue has but I can't. Am I depressed? probably! is my family depressed? probably! Is this a nightmare where we all will wake up and Rachel will have cleaned the whole house from top to bottom while we all had this horrible dream? GOD!!!! How I wish that were true! but no... we are all awake! We are all hurting!!
We all cry a lot! We all walk slowly around the house trying to help Rachel. We all spend time with her because we love her so much.
Yesterday my church was amazing and prayed over Jim and I for our family. People that I did not know at church came and gave me a hug. They asked me how I was doing and I talked about my sister and how she was ready to go to Heaven. They gathered together and layed hands on Jim and I and prayed. I was so touched. People came and offered meals, to clean and to watch my kids so I could visit with Rachel. What an amazing show of love!!!
When life gets back to "normal" I plan on getting involved with ministies that meet the needs of those who are grieving like our family is. A meal might seem like something unimportant but to our family it has meant more time with Rachel. We don't have to worry about what to eat, we can worry about Rachel. My Mom's house has been cleaned every weekend by the women in her church. It seems like a meaningless job but those women are ministering to our family is the most basic ways!!! God bless them!!!
Hospice has been coming out to work with the pain that Rachel is in but it is frustrating because there are side affect to each medication and Rachel is continually experiencing almost all the side affect that remotely could happen. I fear how all the medications are combined and if that is causing her unneeded confusion or pain.
The latest side affects that Rachel has been experiencing has been thrush in her mouth, acid reflux and throwing up. It is so hard to see my strong sister in this state. She is a ghost of what she wants was and spends most of her days falling into half sleeps because she can't sleep at night. This seems to have triggered some hallucination's every time she closes her eyes. Yesterday was a confusing and upsetting day for her because it really did feel like the hallucination's were real and she would talk through them out loud while others were around, then open her eyes confused only to realized that what she thought was real was in fact not.
Rachel now needs a walker to go out anywhere. Dad spent a lot of time researching what was the best walker and that was a nice disraction for him. I know Dad loves to get the best for Rachel and he got her the best walker around!! He calls it the transformer because it goes from a walker to a wheel chair. Dad also researched the best stair chair lift for Rachel because she is having a hard time going up the stairs. It will be put on Dad and Mom's side of the house and a doorway will now be put between Mom and Dad's side of the house and Rachel and Rob's side of the house. When they had the house build, this was the plan for when Dad got so sick that Rachel would have to take care of him... wow, this was not the plan at all but now the door is being put in so that Rachel can use the chair lift to get up the stairs. I guess God knew what they were doing 6 years ago when Mom, Dad, Rachel and Rob all built a house together for the purpose of Rachel taking care of Mom and Dad when they grew old.
My brother Wayne is home early from Africa to spend time with Rachel. it was very hard for him to be over in Africa and get the message that it was time for him to come home. His experience over there was less then pleasing in many aspect from no clothes of his own the entire time due to all his luggage being lost, contracting Malaria, being robbed and a very long trip back home. The last time Wayne saw Rachel was the weekend of her Celebration Party in April. He left with Rachel looking 20 pounds heavier and we were still all fighting with HOPE! Wayne returned to see Rachel very changed...it broke my heart seeing my brother devastated over the reality of what was happening to our sister!
I have not written a lot recently because my heart is grieving. I feel like I need to write about how great God is or how our family is staying strong through all of this or how we see God working through the situation right now. I feel like I should write about how great Rachel is doing even though the cancer is destroying her body. I just can't ... and so I have not written anything personal. I want to write like Julie or Sue has but I can't. Am I depressed? probably! is my family depressed? probably! Is this a nightmare where we all will wake up and Rachel will have cleaned the whole house from top to bottom while we all had this horrible dream? GOD!!!! How I wish that were true! but no... we are all awake! We are all hurting!!
We all cry a lot! We all walk slowly around the house trying to help Rachel. We all spend time with her because we love her so much.
Yesterday my church was amazing and prayed over Jim and I for our family. People that I did not know at church came and gave me a hug. They asked me how I was doing and I talked about my sister and how she was ready to go to Heaven. They gathered together and layed hands on Jim and I and prayed. I was so touched. People came and offered meals, to clean and to watch my kids so I could visit with Rachel. What an amazing show of love!!!
When life gets back to "normal" I plan on getting involved with ministies that meet the needs of those who are grieving like our family is. A meal might seem like something unimportant but to our family it has meant more time with Rachel. We don't have to worry about what to eat, we can worry about Rachel. My Mom's house has been cleaned every weekend by the women in her church. It seems like a meaningless job but those women are ministering to our family is the most basic ways!!! God bless them!!!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Happy Birthday Rachel!!!
So, Rachel's birthday is coming up on Saturday (July 16th) We have all been touched deeply by Rachel's life and I know most of us would want to send Rachel an incredible birthday present. Guess what!!! I have the perfect gift for Rachel that you can take part in too!!!
World Vision is an organization that Rachel has taken part in with sponsoring a child for each of her boys. She has a strong affection for what World Vision is doing and how they are practically reaching children's lives through food, shelter, education and a way touch their lives with the gospel.
I have set up a personal site to honor Rachel through your donations to World Vision! Rachel and all of us will be able to see how we are all financial sponsoring World Vision as our gift to Rachel for her birthday.
Please join with me to give Rachel the best gift she would want by giving to others! I want to say more about how amazing my sister is and how she will totally love this gift but I want to post this first so she can see it and we can all start blessing her flipflops off!!! SOOOO excited!!!
World Vision is an organization that Rachel has taken part in with sponsoring a child for each of her boys. She has a strong affection for what World Vision is doing and how they are practically reaching children's lives through food, shelter, education and a way touch their lives with the gospel.
I have set up a personal site to honor Rachel through your donations to World Vision! Rachel and all of us will be able to see how we are all financial sponsoring World Vision as our gift to Rachel for her birthday.
Please join with me to give Rachel the best gift she would want by giving to others! I want to say more about how amazing my sister is and how she will totally love this gift but I want to post this first so she can see it and we can all start blessing her flipflops off!!! SOOOO excited!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL!!!
Can someone write more about Rachel's love for ministry and her desire to touch other's with the love of God?? I am emotionally spent right now:-)
An amazing letter from Julie!!
He has chosen you for such a time as this!
I had a great ride to and home from Bible Study with Rachel last night. As I look back over the past few years that I have lived in New Jersey, these hour long round trip rides with Rachel have become some of my favorite memories! We are able to discuss our lives, what God is doing in our lives, decompress from what we learned and discussed in Bible Study, and work on memory verses together – this time has been priceless and such a gift from God!! Well last night we discussed a lot of things on the way to church about where God has us right now, and where He has brought us from (and of course I cried even before I got to Bible Study – it seems I cry at the drop of the hat anymore since things that have happened in my life in the past couple of years. I used to NEVER NEVER cry except during sad movies – oh how God can change a person!). But one thing we discussed was how amazing it was that God has brought us both back to himself – see God is the author of all change and for whatever reason (actually the reason is to ultimately bring Himself the most Glory), He decides sometimes to not bring people who have strayed back to Himself. We both have seen him literally drag us back to Him many times in our lives and what an amazing blessing that is! I just want to cry right now thinking about how faithful He is and how special it is that He chooses me! And Rachel has seen it too – once when she was so far, God has brought her full circle to such an amazing close relationship with Him. Praise the Lord!!
One thing that strikes me as I watch Rachel deal with this season in her life, is how she so humbly and graciously accepts where God has put her at this moment in time. It truly is as the song say, Well with her Soul! Last night we were discussing how she will quite possibly very soon start to have to use a wheel chair because the tumor is sitting right on her sciatica nerve, making it very hard for her to walk even a short distance. Rachel discussed this so calmly and serenely, just as if she was discussing what she would have for lunch! Wow, this coming from my cousin who I used to watch in amazement clean her entire house the minute she got back from vacation, frantically scrubbing and doing laundry after she spent all day traveling. The girl who helped me unpack my entire house when I moved into my first house in just one night (and yes it was mostly her!), the girl who could run circles around me in the 5k races we would run just two short years ago. But now she understands that God has her at this moment for a reason and she is basking in her precious time with the Lord and with her friends and family and not worrying about what she cannot control!
Rachel told us last night that a visiting friend had thanked her yesterday for being so open and sharing her journey with everyone. I could not agree more! I love how Rachel has shared with us her feelings and what we can be praying about – allowing us all to grow as much as she is during this journey! One of my favorite things to watch is how Rachel has set aside special time to spend with friends and family that want to come visit. Even being as sick as she is, she wants to invest in other people’s lives and let them know how special they are to her! This to me is an amazing expression of God’s love!
I will leave you with this. God in His infinite knowledge, looked through all the generations there ever were, and all the generation that are to come, and decided to place Rachel in this century, in this country, in this culture, in this family, in this house, in this place. How amazing this that? He could have picked any other time or place, but He chose right here and now! And He did the same for you and me! Rachel and I were discussing last night that neither of us were at the places and circumstances in our lives that we pictured we would be. But you know what, He has us here for a reason, and just like Rachel is doing, I want to make the most of where He has me and not waste it by pining away for something else! Will you do the same? Don’t waste the time that God has given you, every hour and every minute is precious and God promises us that He works all things together for good to those that love him and are the called according to His purpose. I choose to follow Rachel’s lead (she always was way out in front of everyone ;-)) and Serve The Lord at this place and at this time!
To Him be the Glory forever and ever!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
"Fighting"
A quick update on what Rachel has been doing.
After getting the news that Rachel got 2 weeks ago she has been busy making sure all the last minute things are taken care of and that nothing is left undone.
Hospice has been coming out to the house to help Rachel with her pain management and any other medical need that she might have. This has been nice because now we don't have to worry about taking Rachel to the ER anymore when ever her pain is too great. We just call hospice and they send a nurse out to take care of Rachel.
Rachel has been teaching me the books for the shop, her finances and Mom and Dad's finances. Talk about overwhelming amount of information but I am enjoying the distraction.
Many friends and family have been coming to visit Rachel which has been wonderful and uplifting. It helps distract Rachel from the pain and the unknown future.
This is from a friend who came over yesterday...I really appreciate what she has to say:
After getting the news that Rachel got 2 weeks ago she has been busy making sure all the last minute things are taken care of and that nothing is left undone.
Hospice has been coming out to the house to help Rachel with her pain management and any other medical need that she might have. This has been nice because now we don't have to worry about taking Rachel to the ER anymore when ever her pain is too great. We just call hospice and they send a nurse out to take care of Rachel.
Rachel has been teaching me the books for the shop, her finances and Mom and Dad's finances. Talk about overwhelming amount of information but I am enjoying the distraction.
Many friends and family have been coming to visit Rachel which has been wonderful and uplifting. It helps distract Rachel from the pain and the unknown future.
This is from a friend who came over yesterday...I really appreciate what she has to say:
Fighter/noun/meanings
1. A person or animal that fights, esp. as a soldier or a boxer.
2. A person who does not easily admit defeat in spite of difficulties or opposition.
1 Timothy 6:12
Fight the good fight for the faith. Keep holding on to eternal life, to which you were called and about which you gave a good testimony in front of many witnesses.
So, after thinking today – while visiting Rachel – about this whole “fighting” thing…I felt like I wanted to write something on it. Personally, I feel like using the term “fight” is almost an unfair one! Now, that said, I have used it MANY times – I’m sure I will do it again as well… it’s kind of what you SAY to people who are sick, right? One of those pre-programmed words that we all learn, especially when it pertains to cancer. But it hit me WHY I don’t like it! Because (and I could be crazy) I almost feel like it puts ridiculous amounts of pressure on who you say it to, or about. When dealing with this awful thing *I HATE YOU, CANCER*, to say someone is a fighter almost makes it seem like if they “lose” this fight, it was their own fault…as though you can train for a fight with cancer? You make sickeningly hard decisions, never truly knowing what the outcome will be…hoping and praying for the best. You don’t get the satisfaction of punching someone or something that would come from an actual fight…And what you do get is, in many cases, strangers deciding you aren’t “fighting” hard enough, or that you have given up, when God forbid they were in your shoes they would be at a loss themselves. So it hit me that i think fighting is relative to the person and situation. Did you get up? Get dressed? Say, “good morning” to your family? Hug your kids and family members? Try to eat breakfast even though it doesn’t taste like anything anymore? Be AMAZINGLY kind and thoughtful to everyone that crosses your path? Ask someone else how THEY are doing? Smile at your nieces and nephews being silly? I think anyone who knows Rachel, knows without a doubt all these things happen, and then some. I leave visiting my childhood friend who I love so much, feeling encouraged by her faith, but hating to see her in pain. I pray for healing! I do not want her to leave us, I want to be selfish and make her stay somehow….but I also think she should know that it’s ok….that when God calls her home where there is no more pain, that it’s more than ok to run for it as fast as she can. And though she tells me she doesn’t feel like a fighter, she really is…and I love her dearly for it. This isn’t what she chose this happened to her, but she IS choosing every day, maybe hundreds of times a day, how to deal with it. And to keep believing and trusting God, to smile at someone, to drink some hot tea, or to eat a piece of pizza with her husband and sister IS fighting.
1. A person or animal that fights, esp. as a soldier or a boxer.
2. A person who does not easily admit defeat in spite of difficulties or opposition.
1 Timothy 6:12
Fight the good fight for the faith. Keep holding on to eternal life, to which you were called and about which you gave a good testimony in front of many witnesses.
So, after thinking today – while visiting Rachel – about this whole “fighting” thing…I felt like I wanted to write something on it. Personally, I feel like using the term “fight” is almost an unfair one! Now, that said, I have used it MANY times – I’m sure I will do it again as well… it’s kind of what you SAY to people who are sick, right? One of those pre-programmed words that we all learn, especially when it pertains to cancer. But it hit me WHY I don’t like it! Because (and I could be crazy) I almost feel like it puts ridiculous amounts of pressure on who you say it to, or about. When dealing with this awful thing *I HATE YOU, CANCER*, to say someone is a fighter almost makes it seem like if they “lose” this fight, it was their own fault…as though you can train for a fight with cancer? You make sickeningly hard decisions, never truly knowing what the outcome will be…hoping and praying for the best. You don’t get the satisfaction of punching someone or something that would come from an actual fight…And what you do get is, in many cases, strangers deciding you aren’t “fighting” hard enough, or that you have given up, when God forbid they were in your shoes they would be at a loss themselves. So it hit me that i think fighting is relative to the person and situation. Did you get up? Get dressed? Say, “good morning” to your family? Hug your kids and family members? Try to eat breakfast even though it doesn’t taste like anything anymore? Be AMAZINGLY kind and thoughtful to everyone that crosses your path? Ask someone else how THEY are doing? Smile at your nieces and nephews being silly? I think anyone who knows Rachel, knows without a doubt all these things happen, and then some. I leave visiting my childhood friend who I love so much, feeling encouraged by her faith, but hating to see her in pain. I pray for healing! I do not want her to leave us, I want to be selfish and make her stay somehow….but I also think she should know that it’s ok….that when God calls her home where there is no more pain, that it’s more than ok to run for it as fast as she can. And though she tells me she doesn’t feel like a fighter, she really is…and I love her dearly for it. This isn’t what she chose this happened to her, but she IS choosing every day, maybe hundreds of times a day, how to deal with it. And to keep believing and trusting God, to smile at someone, to drink some hot tea, or to eat a piece of pizza with her husband and sister IS fighting.
Thank you Sue!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Why my sister?
Psalm 73
BOOK III
Psalms 73–89
A psalm of Asaph.1 Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
(Really??? I am saying this but is it for real?)
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
(I am failing at believing in God right now)
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.[a]
(why can't they have cancer and not my sister!!)
5 They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
(Don't they deserve the cancer!!??)
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity[b];
their evil imaginations have no limits.
(they have rejected God but Rachel has followed Him so strongly. It seems so unfair!!)
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
with arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.[c]
11 They say, “How would God know?
Does the Most High know anything?”
12 This is what the wicked are like—
always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.
13 Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
and have washed my hands in innocence.
(surely in vain has Rachel followed after God...has He forgotten her??)
14 All day long I have been afflicted,
and every morning brings new punishments.
(all day long she is in pain! More pain then anyone could imagine!!)
15 If I had spoken out like that,
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
(In my own understanding I don't know why God is letting this happen to her!!)
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.
(and I understand ...in a small way...why God is letting this happen to my sister)
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 They are like a dream when one awakes;
when you arise, Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
Yup...I am questioning why God is letting this happen to my sister and not some evil person somewhere that I don't know...But I will continually enter the sanctuary of God and there will I understand that His ways are not my ways!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)