The last three weeks have gone by a lot differently then I had hoped for and it feels like Rachel daily gets worse. Unless God decides to heal her, I think Rachel time here is limited and soon she will be healed in Heaven. Part of me wants this to happen quickly because it is so hard to see her continually in pain but part of me wants her to hold on so that God can heal her and I have my sister back. Questions fill my head as to why this is happening. Emotionally I am drained as I see my sister sit on the couch with her brow scrunched together either in pain or confusion about what is going on around her.
Hospice has been coming out to work with the pain that Rachel is in but it is frustrating because there are side affect to each medication and Rachel is continually experiencing almost all the side affect that remotely could happen. I fear how all the medications are combined and if that is causing her unneeded confusion or pain.
The latest side affects that Rachel has been experiencing has been thrush in her mouth, acid reflux and throwing up. It is so hard to see my strong sister in this state. She is a ghost of what she wants was and spends most of her days falling into half sleeps because she can't sleep at night. This seems to have triggered some hallucination's every time she closes her eyes. Yesterday was a confusing and upsetting day for her because it really did feel like the hallucination's were real and she would talk through them out loud while others were around, then open her eyes confused only to realized that what she thought was real was in fact not.
Rachel now needs a walker to go out anywhere. Dad spent a lot of time researching what was the best walker and that was a nice disraction for him. I know Dad loves to get the best for Rachel and he got her the best walker around!! He calls it the transformer because it goes from a walker to a wheel chair. Dad also researched the best stair chair lift for Rachel because she is having a hard time going up the stairs. It will be put on Dad and Mom's side of the house and a doorway will now be put between Mom and Dad's side of the house and Rachel and Rob's side of the house. When they had the house build, this was the plan for when Dad got so sick that Rachel would have to take care of him... wow, this was not the plan at all but now the door is being put in so that Rachel can use the chair lift to get up the stairs. I guess God knew what they were doing 6 years ago when Mom, Dad, Rachel and Rob all built a house together for the purpose of Rachel taking care of Mom and Dad when they grew old.
My brother Wayne is home early from Africa to spend time with Rachel. it was very hard for him to be over in Africa and get the message that it was time for him to come home. His experience over there was less then pleasing in many aspect from no clothes of his own the entire time due to all his luggage being lost, contracting Malaria, being robbed and a very long trip back home. The last time Wayne saw Rachel was the weekend of her Celebration Party in April. He left with Rachel looking 20 pounds heavier and we were still all fighting with HOPE! Wayne returned to see Rachel very changed...it broke my heart seeing my brother devastated over the reality of what was happening to our sister!
I have not written a lot recently because my heart is grieving. I feel like I need to write about how great God is or how our family is staying strong through all of this or how we see God working through the situation right now. I feel like I should write about how great Rachel is doing even though the cancer is destroying her body. I just can't ... and so I have not written anything personal. I want to write like Julie or Sue has but I can't. Am I depressed? probably! is my family depressed? probably! Is this a nightmare where we all will wake up and Rachel will have cleaned the whole house from top to bottom while we all had this horrible dream? GOD!!!! How I wish that were true! but no... we are all awake! We are all hurting!!
We all cry a lot! We all walk slowly around the house trying to help Rachel. We all spend time with her because we love her so much.
Yesterday my church was amazing and prayed over Jim and I for our family. People that I did not know at church came and gave me a hug. They asked me how I was doing and I talked about my sister and how she was ready to go to Heaven. They gathered together and layed hands on Jim and I and prayed. I was so touched. People came and offered meals, to clean and to watch my kids so I could visit with Rachel. What an amazing show of love!!!
When life gets back to "normal" I plan on getting involved with ministies that meet the needs of those who are grieving like our family is. A meal might seem like something unimportant but to our family it has meant more time with Rachel. We don't have to worry about what to eat, we can worry about Rachel. My Mom's house has been cleaned every weekend by the women in her church. It seems like a meaningless job but those women are ministering to our family is the most basic ways!!! God bless them!!!
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