Rachel wrote this a couple days ago. Mostly she wrote it to show that she was human. I think Rachel felt like people were focusing too much on her and what she was had done and Rachel wanted to make sure people remembered her more human side:-)
SO one thing that has really struck me over the last month of blogs and people writing notes on facebook, is that no one has mentioned the largest and most overwhelming side of me...my SIN NATURE. I know what you’re thinking, who would be a jerk enough to write on a “dying persons” page all of her shortcomings:) Haha, I wouldn’t!! But honestly a lot of the posts about me have painted me in a good light, when I know full well that my sin nature is something I struggle with hourly. Unfortunately, the first thought out of my head each day is NOT how I can bless others. In the last month, I have yelled things at my 11 year old son that have been so ugly that I’m totally ashamed and could die just thinking about them. I hurt my sister (I’m sure weekly) by being short with her when she shows up with 3 kids-after the house was just cleaned!! I “demand” more things from my mom then I “ask nicely” for in a day. My poor dad gets much more of the brunt of my coldness then anyone else. I HATE!! when he just sits and wants to be close to me, but to me it just makes me feel so uncomfortable like I’m being stared at. So at least 2 times today I’ve asked my poor dad, who, by the way does EVERYTHING for me, to just leave me alone. I’ve caught myself more then once today thinking or saying something not so nice about someone in my life. I just need people to know and understand that when I read your posts and notes to me, I don’t always agree. I know myself, I”m there when I talk unkindly about people, when I’m short and unkind to those around me. When I get snippety with my husband who isn’t doing things quite the way I want, instead of being too blown away with how awesome he’s been. I hate how I yell way more quickly at my sons, then try to keep my cool and act like an adult!!! I want everyone who reads our blog to know that I’m foremost a sinner. That if you were a fly on my wall that you’d hear things from my mouth that aren’t the prettiest. I wish I could say that as I was growing closer to the LORD and walking on this journey home, I was becoming more “holy”, but that’s just not the truth. But isn’t that why we can’t get to heaven on our own? Each day I sit back and as I go over the day, and I”m ashamed of all my failings I”m blown away by God’s never ending love and forgiveness for me. Thank you God that you could love a sinner like me and that honestly I’m NOT perfect!! That way, I can be reminded daily of why I need the LORD’s forgiveness.
Rachel I think we are all guilty of our behavior at one time or another. We are humans Gods children and we are here for the lessons and none of us are perfect. When I lost my Mother and finance a part of me died and I wanted to go with them. One of the things that were mentioned to me was the hardest people to loose are your Mother, children, Father and husband. I knew I had more work to do as I am Gods special child and I work for him. Forgive yourself Rachel and keep moving forward. You are leading by example and this is what God wants you to do. Your Dad is in shock, we as parents always feel we will go before our children. Your parents are devastated, family, friends. Everybody hurts Rachel even you. You are God's special peaceful warrior and you are doing an excellent job. You are my hero. God already knows we are not perfect.
ReplyDeleteRachel, We met a few times at Maranatha when you were teaching us about couponing! I've wanted to reach out to you and your family, but I haven't been sure were to step in or whether or not it would be appropriate. Let me just say this... Above all else, we are God's children, and we all fall short of His glory. Praise His name for His mercy and love that He so freely gives. I've been following your story and praying for you AND your family. I can not imagine the physical pain, or the emotional pain that your family is going through. <3
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