The last couple of days I have had a strong desire to just run away!!! I know, its so wrong to even say such a thing but seriously...that is how I have felt!! Why??!! Because of the following...
On Wednesday afternoon I was thinking about blogging about how easy the last week was going and how we were just waiting for the next thing to happen but thank goodness it had not happened...and then the phone rang:-( Rachel had a fever. Do you ever have pain in your heart so badly that your little toe hurts? that's what it felt like... the pain that never seems to go away and feels like an elephant just sat right down on you. The pain went all the way down to my little toe. Rachel had a fever. The cause was believed to be another UTI. Medication was sent for and Rachel chose to ride out the fever because there is a lot of talk about how a fever can actually kick the body into high gear towards fighting anything that is wrong with the body...ie cancer. Rachel has had a fever off and on since Wednesday and has felt terrible!!
On Wednesday Mom started talking about how she had hives all over her body. They continued to get worse and on Thursday she was totally covered and looked ...well...gross!!! I took Dane blueberry picking with my Mother-In-Law and my three kids. When I brought Dane home I talked with Mom and grew increasingly concerned about her hives. Call me an "alarmist" (named by Dad) but I insisted Mom go to the ER because it was so bad and her hand with the infection had started to swell up. Good move. At the ER they gave her steroids and Benadryl for the Hives.
So, even today Rachel continues to fight the fever and infection and my Mom's hives are worse then yesterday. Can I please have a life that is not in crisis mode right now. Go ahead... read this and judge me! How can I be so selfish?? thinking only about myself when my family is going through Hell. Yup! I am selfish...but most of my pain and desire to run away is because I LOVE them so much that it makes the news of their pain feel so much more painful to me.
I get the prayer list from church all the time about people who are in pain...but my little toe does not hurt when I hear about their pain. My little toe hurts when I hear my sisters voice ... not her normal voice but the voice that carries with it the pain she is in. My little toe hurts when I see her walking around the house doubled over in pain. It hurts when I see my Mom covered in hives and her finger black from the infection. yes, I want to run away because the pain is so intense!! It hurts! I can't handle it sometimes...and I believe here I am suppose to insert something Godly here...it will come but right now I believe I need to feel this pain to soften me to God's voice whispering quietly to me. I am still here and I am still going to stay strong to the belief that there is a purpose and God has not forgotten us. We are loved and cherished by Him and He knows about my little toe!!
I'll be praying for you and for your family. It is often worse to see our loved ones suffer. My whole body hurt when my baby was stillborn. It literally hurt to breath. I think my little toe hurt too...but I was just focused on the breathing part. Hang in there, and do take some time for yourself when things get really rough. Even a few moments of peace and prayers can fill your soul with the grace to be strong and take care of everyone! Big prayers.
ReplyDeleteBetty- thanks for sharing your heart. You have such a way with words, and it helps me know how to pray for you all. Much love & prayers heading your way Sweet One.
ReplyDeleteOnce my husband was having strokes, and they could not figure out why or how they could stop them. I remember feeling the same way you feel now, but I did not run away either, I held onto God as my hope and comfort. In the end of the day, in the darkest, when I was crying instead of sleeping, God was there. He is unchangeable, my constant. Not only the one in control, but the one thing in control - I was sure God would not leave me or suddenly change, as I saw my husband's personality change.
ReplyDeleteWhile children are a blessing, caring for your children can make it hard to have time to deal with what you have to deal with right now, simply because children take a lot of ones time. Making sure to take time rest is important, you are a caregiver to your sister and you need some rest. This is a lot harder than it sounds. Talking about it, like you are in this post, was very helpful to me. Also, when all strength and peace seemed gone, I realized people have stopped praying for me. Struggles like this are long, and people stop praying for you because they think you are fine or they start to forget or -since you haven't run away, they think you are made of steel and don't need them (hence, "your strong" comments). They are VERY happy to be reminded, and you will feel their prayers. God give you strength and peace.
Beautifully said Karen. Thank you for sharing...
ReplyDeleteBetty, I am constantly amazed and encouraged by the strength of you and your family. Rachel, your family and your mom are always in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is ok to hurt, that is what God's comforting hands are there for <3