Run Away

The last couple of days I have had a strong desire to just run away!!! I know, its so wrong to even say such a thing but seriously...that is how I have felt!! Why??!! Because of the following...

On Wednesday afternoon I was thinking about blogging about how easy the last week was going and how we were just waiting for the next thing to happen but thank goodness it had not happened...and then the phone rang:-( Rachel had a fever. Do you ever have pain in your heart so badly that your little toe hurts? that's what it felt like... the pain that never seems to go away and feels like an elephant just sat right down on you. The pain went all the way down to my little toe.  Rachel had a fever. The cause was believed to be another UTI. Medication was sent for and Rachel chose to ride out the fever because there is a lot of talk about how a fever can actually kick the body into high gear towards fighting anything that is wrong with the body...ie cancer. Rachel has had a fever off and on since Wednesday and has felt terrible!!

On Wednesday Mom started talking about how she had hives all over her body. They continued to get worse and on Thursday she was totally covered and looked ...well...gross!!! I took Dane blueberry picking with my Mother-In-Law and my three kids. When I brought Dane home I talked with Mom and grew increasingly concerned about her hives. Call me an "alarmist" (named by Dad) but I insisted Mom go to the ER because it was so bad and her hand with the infection had started to swell up. Good move. At the ER they gave her steroids and Benadryl for the Hives.

So, even today Rachel continues to fight the fever and infection and my Mom's hives are worse then yesterday. Can I please have a life that is not in crisis mode right now. Go ahead... read this and judge me! How can I be so selfish?? thinking only about myself when my family is going through Hell. Yup! I am selfish...but most of my pain and desire to run away is because I LOVE them so much that it makes the news of their pain feel so much more painful to me.

 I get the prayer list from church all the time about people who are in pain...but my little toe does  not hurt when I hear about their pain. My little toe hurts when I hear my sisters voice ... not her normal voice but the voice that carries with it the pain she is in. My little toe hurts when I see her walking around the house doubled over in pain. It hurts when I see my Mom covered in hives and her finger black from the infection. yes, I want to run away because the pain is so intense!! It hurts! I can't handle it sometimes...and I believe here I am suppose to insert something Godly here...it will come but right now I believe I need to feel this pain to soften me to God's voice whispering quietly to me. I am still here and I am still going to stay strong to the belief that there is a purpose and God has not forgotten us. We are loved and cherished by Him and He knows about my little toe!!

A thought

I am pretty sure it is impossible to read the Word of God without it touching your heart. Here is what I have read today and pray for my family :

Colossians 1:10-14
And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God being straightened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

No matter what we all face in life...life is just hard!!! I can't say that my family is having a more difficult experience in this life then your family... this was written to all of us and we need to be reminded to have great endurance and patience and JOYFULLY (love that word!!) giving thanks to the Father! Today, I am going to purposefully live my day out so that it may please Him in every way!!

Beautiful Things

I am encouraged by this song a friend posted on facebook this morning because I needed to hear it!!!

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Awesome song!!

This weekend I felt like Satan was really trying to get my family down! it started like this:
Friday was Ethan's birthday party with his homeschool friends at a park. Rachel had planned the details and everything was going to be so much fun. When I drove up I took one look at Rachel and just wanted to cry because she was sitting down leaning on the picnic bench with one arm leaning on the table part and the other hand clenched in pain... she was getting sick with a UTI(sorry rae.. let me know if you want this part out) Not a big deal unless you have cancer:-( any type of illness when you have cancer is not good. I watched her all day knowing she was in pain.

While I watched my sister in pain, I also was on the phone with my Mom concerning her "posion Ivy" which turned out to be something else. She went to the dr.'s and he was very concerned that it was not posion ivy but a very bad spider bite! In the office her gave her a cortizone shot and two different types of medication. Mom was sent home with the very strict instructions that if the swelling got any worse she was to go right away to the ER.

Saturday morning I woke up and got ready for my Yard Sale morning with the kids. I talked with Mom on the phone and she said that the swelling had gotten worse but she would wait until the afternoon to go to the ER. I went over to Mom's house to pick up my cousin Julie for Yard Sales but after Julie and I took one look at Mom's hand, we told her I was taking her to the ER!  Once at the ER, the dr.'s became very concerned about Mom's hand and admitted her for an overnight stay. I stayed with Mom for the morning and then went home once she was in her hospital room.

That afternoon I was talking with my brother Wayne on Skype. Wayne is in Africa teaching ESL. My poor brother's luggage was lost in the trip over to Aftrica and so were his malaria pills that he was to take to prevent contracting malaria. And so, Wayne let me know that he had malaria. It was hard for me to see him on Skype and know that he was not feeling well and to be so far away! I wanted to comfort Wayne and to make him feel better but he is in Africa and not here:-(

Talk about feeling so helpless!!!

Mom came home on Sunday feeling better but still having trouble with her hand which resulted in another call to the doctor and more anitbiotics.

Rachel was also on antibiotics which made her feel depressed, lack of an appetite and nauseous. The weekend was just such a strain on our family.

On top of all that, Izzy went with her two wonderful cousins to a park in Delaware. When she came home Julie let me know that I needed to check her for ticks... I found 4 that night, 2 were the really small deer ticks and 1 more deer tick the next morning. So, I am watching for signs of Lyme's.

Rachel and Mom are recovering very well but Wayne is still sick and this morning Izzy came down stairs limping (not sure if it is caused by the Lyme's since that is a much later symptom). Our family needs your prayers! I need your prayers!!

On a bright note, Rachel went to see Dr. Sara yesterday and dr. Sara said that physically, Rachel shows no signs of having cancer. This is wonderful news because her body is responding well to all the healthy foods Rachel is trying to eat.

Mom has been able to go out and teach a friend about the Bible. This brings life to Mom!! She comes back shinning because she was able to share the Word with someone else. I am so glad that Mom can get back into teaching a bit because she needs that time away.

Out of chaos life is being found in You

Really, I can't imagine trying to live through this without knowing that God/Holy Spirit see's and hears our growning!! God is continually forming our family to reflect Him and this weekend was just another example of us falling to our knee's in understanding that we can not continue without having our focus completely on Him. I have the security of knowing that God loves me!! I have put my complete trust in what Christ did on the cross for me and that nothing in my life is by accident. I am a child of the King! I will continue to run to Him for my strength and so will my family. Rachel will look to God for strength. She has the security that what is happening in her life right now is not an accendent but is part of God's perfect plan for her life.

Transparent

Another week has gone by and this new normal is sinking in. I find it hard not to be continually in "crisis mode" as I had been for so long. Every time the phone rang I thought it would be my Mom or sister calling to talk about another thing that went wrong but for the most part everything is "normal"

Mom and I continue to juice for Rachel almost everyday and I love spending that time with Mom. It makes me feel like I am actually doing something to help Rachel. The kids normally find something to do and I hold Abby for the most part because she has been teething or just having a bad day. It's amazing what you can learn to do while holding a baby in your arms. I am sure I will have many stories to tell Izzy, Noah and Abby when they grow up about how we would go over there everyday and help Rae Rae (what Rachel's nieces  and nephews call her). We have a good system going now and the juicing gets done very quickly which helps us focus on other things now.

Rachel has many adventures that she goes on throughout the week and she has plans for the future. She is planning a family vacation with Rob and the boys to Aruba in August (JEALOUS!!!). Rachel is also talking about adding on to the house next year for a large family room and a new master bedroom and bath.

Even with all the planning, the cancer is still causing her pain. She takes pain medication a couple times a day because one of the tumors is pressing on a nerve in her lower back. But looking at Rachel you really would never know she has cancer, let alone stage 4 cancer... she looks amazing!!

Rachel is always encouraged by the letters, phone calls, texts, facebook posts and so forth! It lifts her spirits to know that everyone is praying for her. If you get a chance, just send her a message letting her know that you are praying! It has been Rachel's desire through this whole process to be transparent with everything going on so that she can be used by God to touch lives around her.

This is not just Rachel's journey alone but something that we are all taking part in, we are all affect by the cancer in Rachel. God is using this time in her life to reach out and grab each of us. To show us that life is precious and that we need to have the correct relationship with God because if we don't, we will not be able to handle this horrible time in Rachel's life the way that God wants us.

I know, how can I take away from what Rachel is going through by saying this journey involves us all...this is her journey... she should have the privacy that she "deserves"... really? Tell us, how is God using Rachel's journey in your life?? no really...TELL US!!! because it would be so meaningless for Rachel to suffer in pain like this if it was just her journey and did not concern anyone else. God is using this to touch all of us!! Don't let this opportunity pass you by! Don't waste what Rachel is going through... Let God reach in and touch your through this because He is always there and always willing to touch your life.  I know that Rachel wants this cancer to have meaning, that it is used by God to glorify God!

God loves to weave His story through our lives. Rachel's life is like a big puzzle and each puzzle piece by itself is small and almost meaningless. However, when you start putting all the pieces together, you see the big picture that God has designed. Rachel's puzzle is beautiful because she is allowing God to use her and she is continually seeking Him through this time.

Prayer requests:
Please pray for Rachel's pain in her back and this is what is causing her the most pain right now. She is also starting to retain fluid which is a concern.

Pray for Mom. Apparently she was bitten by a very poisonous spider about a week ago. mom thought it was just poison ivy but her fingers continued to swell up. Today her hand was completely swollen and she was in a lot of pain. mom went to the doctor who informed her t hat it was a spider bit and a very serious one! The dr. gave more a steroid shot and a lot of medication with the strict orders to go to the ER if the hand got any worse. As of right now Mom seems to be out of the woods but she could use prayer that it continues to go away.

A New "Normal"

This week has been filled with adjustments as we have seen Rachel break free and want life to go back to "normal". This has been awesome on so many levels. I am hoping that "Crisis Mode" can be part of the past...for a little bit!!

First, Rachel is getting her spunk back!! She went "couponing" last week with me and was able to score some awesome deals...from there she has sprung wings and taken off with her old fire and determination to concur everything that she sets her mind to and so, the couponing begins again:-) This is awesome for me too because Rachel and I feed off each other and encourage each other with our deals that we find at the stores. Then we gather together and bless others with all of our "free" or "Money Makers" that we get through couponing!! Want to bless us and bless others...bring us coupons!!! You should see what we can do with them and who we can bless.

Lunch dates filled Rachel calendar this week and it helped lift her spirits to get out and have fun with friends!! I was so glad that she could have that time out.

Rachel is also venturing into a more Vegetarian diet since it has been 6 months on a vegan diet and according to Gerson she can go back to eating (in small amounts) cheeses, eggs, and other dairy items. I am sure she is going to be in heaven!!! Her taste buds really have been craving these foods.

As for me, Rachel has asked that I relax a little on all the cooking. She wants me to get back to normal too and I have to admit that I am glad to have a little break. I am enjoying extra time with my kids and naps!!! I actually got 2 in this week. I will continue to juice for Rachel almost everyday but not have to stress so much about what she is eating.

Mom has been asked to relax a little too and so Mom has gone out to eat with friends, had friends visit, taught a little and I think is just feeling the pressure of everything roll off her shoulders.

Today Rachel went to a bunch of yard sales with Julie, Aunt Betty, myself and my three kids:-) We all had a great time!!

Rachel is still in need of prayer!! She is still in a lot of pain and has no idea what is causing the pain.
Mom needs prayer for strength and patience while dealing with the boys! They can be a bit of a handful and like to test boundaries.

Chemo

Bare with me as I just woke up and might have to end quickly because the kids wake up:-)

Last Thursday Rachel went in for her first round of ultra light Chemo. she had a 10% chance of getting sick from the treatment. Rachel prayed that God would be very clear if He did not want her to continue with the treatment but up until the chemo treatment everything seemed to go smoothly. Even when Rachel came home from the treatment everything seemed to be great and she felt fine. However, that night was a long night for Rachel because she did get very sick and that is when she knew that she was not to continue with the chemo treatments.

Rachel still has not recovered from that one dose of treatment and it feels like another setback. She was given a lot of medication leading up to the chemo and the chemo itself affected her body causing her to become constipated.

For most of us, constipation is not that serious but for Rachel it could mean another long hospital stay and another operation which she was determined not to have happen. Saturday night Rachel was in extreme pain from the constipation and should have gone to the hospital but refused to go because (as our family firmly agrees with) that going to the hospital would only cause another major setback in her recovery because they would just "help" her based on their knowledge of medicine and not a knowledge of nutrition and health. So, late at night, with Rob barred from the room, Mom and Dad helped Rachel become un-constipated.

I sit here writing as a mom and a women of a sister who has cancer... I cannot express to you how much love it had to have taken for my Mom and Dad to be willing to help my sister that way. The pain in their hearts that they must have been going through and the fear that they were causing their little girl pain. And "No" you could not even dream/nightmare of what they had to go through but my Mom and Dad are amazing. Rachel feels much better. All three of them have one interesting story to keep to themselves. We all have the sigh of relief that Rachel did not have to go to the hospital and we all have a Mighty God.

As for food...since chemo Rachel had been very nauseous and at times has thrown up. She only eats very basic things and has not been able to drink a lot of juice. frustration and fear fills my heart whenever I think about it but then I have to trust the Lord that He knows what is going on in Rachel's body.

Rachel is strong though in spirit! She continues to trust the Lord through all of this and does not complain. How can she remain so thankful and focused...I would love to get her here to write about it!! I know that it all focuses on the Lord. What does it teach me? When I see Rachel, I get a glimpse of Christ...because she is so focused on Him!! and, I am also convicted of my complaining spirit!!! I complain if I don't get enough sleep, enough to eat, enough time to myself, enough freedom... but I don't really hear any complaints coming from Rachel...How much have I already complained today? How much have you complained today? hmmm...gives me something to think about.

Prayer request:

1. For my Mom and Dad...their little girl has cancer

2. For Rachel...stay strong in body and spirit, is able to eat and drink more

3. for the boys that they will be drawn to the Lord more closely through all of this

4. for Rob that He will feel the prayers of everyone around him and draw strength from the Lord.

5. For everyone reading this blog...that they will see Christ in our family trying to live through faith while in emotional and physical pain.

And it continues

New Week!! lets find new ways to fight cancer!!

I am encouraged to see my sister looking better everyday...sometimes I look at her and can't believe she has stage 4 cancer...she looks amazing!! Rachel has been getting out to church as much as she can...whenever she can. I think this is a wonderful testimony to her relationship with the Lord. Rachel sets the bar high for all of us and when we say we are to busy or too tired or too sick to get involved in our church.

Mom is ever strong but weak at the same time. Raising the boys is hard on her but I also think it is teaching her new ways to look to the Lord for strength. Dane is ever a challenge but Mom seems to show him God's love in disciplining him in a loving way. Sometimes it just seems easier to let the boys get away with stuff then to stand up to them and set boundaries for them. Please pray that Mom will set Godly boundaries for the boys and they will someday look back and see the love, time and patience Mom and Rachel have put into raising them. Another great example for us to see when we just don't feel like taking the time to discipline our children.

I just had a wonderful weekend. My Mother and sister -in-law helped me host a baby shower for my brother-in-laws wife Christina. It was a wonderful morning with lots of sun!!! Today I was able to go to church and fellowship and cry... I always seem to cry at church because it is one of the few places that slows me down and I hear the Word of the Lord spoken so clearly. I can't escape there... I have to feel what is going on in my heart and the Lord always speaks to me. So the rest of the day was spent either crying or making myself so busy I did not have time to think about crying.

Having a sister sick with cancer is so heartbreaking!! I remember hearing about people who had cancer and I would pray for them, if I remembered, but they were always a friend of a friend of a friend...Never my sister. Rachel and I are suppose to grow old together and sit on the front porch in rocking chairs talking about the old times!! It can't be MY sister who has cancer but it is and I can't seem to find the rhyme or reason for it right now. However, I will go to the Lord continually and ask Him to open my eyes to see life the way He sees things. I will continually seek Him through my pain and know that He is working in ever aspect of Rachel's cancer.

My Dad...I love him so much!!! He has such focus and passion and A.D.D!!! He loves the Lord so much and loves Rachel. Growing up I never questioned my Dad's love for me because he was always good at making me feel safe in his love. Dad is continuing to show Rachel love by researching ever aspect of her cancer, water, juicer, bed and so forth. He is standing by her when she is sick and throwing up in the kitchen trash can right after her Vitamin C infusions. Dad is ready at the drop of a hat to take Rachel to any appointment she needs to be taken. Dad's love flows out of him for Rachel and I love seeing it!! What an amazing Dad I have!

Food for Rachel?? Well, sadly Rachel's taste buds are wacky right now and most everything tastes gross to her. She is also nauseous most of the time and that does not help her want to eat. But she does enjoy her Sauteed Spinach, Poached egg and quinoa grains. Please pray for Rachel in this area.